What Is and What Never Should Be
by The-other-8th-wonder
Summary: Helga tries to move on from Arnold but finds sometimes life has a funny way of showing you what you need.
1. Chapter 1

The flames ignited the tranquil atmosphere on the desolate beach and she sat by the bonfire with her knees drawn up to her chin saying a silent requiem for her old obsession.

Helga watched it burn and along with it her feelings of love untold and probably unrequited. Gone were the years of poetry she stored in volumes of notebooks, the embarrassing shrines, the infamous red shoe she wore as 'Cecile' and the many pink ribbons she kept. They crackled and smoked in the fire and her tears welled looking at the loss. She was going to force herself to be okay. She was going to make herself move on.

She watched it all disintegrate and unlike the potion she drank as a child she didn't feel numb, she felt broken. Like somehow erasing him from her life was unnatural. But she needed to for her own sanity. How could she have a moment's peace with him hanging in her heart?

In her final act of cleansing, she grabbed the locket that hung on her neck and flung it into the flames. Standing up and walking away a sad smile crept on her face. It was really over.

Tomorrow would be her blank slate-College in a new town. Far away from this place; far away from people who couldn't look past the blustery exterior of a misunderstood girl; far away from this town who only knew her as the other Pataki girl. She was going to the other side of the country but it might as well have been another world. The feeling of no longer being fettered to her family, who showed and told her she was unworthy every day she was alive, brought her a sense of peace despite the raging surge of emotions that passed through her. This new place didn't include a father who ignored her, or mother who was incoherent or sister who tried to get closer only to prove she was perfect at everything. Helga chose this path and was going to go it alone with no help from family or no ties to the past.

* * *

Waking up in her new dorm room was strange. She was still trying to figure out who she was without him; trying to reconcile who she was without someone she had loved for 15 years. For now she was taking it day by day, hour by hour and step by step.

Today was her first class. She was already lagging since most freshmen established friendships during orientation, but working an extra week in the summer so she could buy books trumped orientation. As usual she would have to figure everything out on her own.

Grabbing her bookbag she put her wallet and notebook in before she was stopped by a knock on the door.

When she opened it, her traitorous body let her know everything she thought she accomplished on the beach was futile. Her eyes widened and she gasped, trying to calm her rapid heartbeat before she gave anything away. She burned every memory of them and never looked back. Why was he here? She let him go so why was he right back pulling her close and saying how happy he was to see her.

This was some cruel joke, some retribution she had to pay for all the times he was mean to him. She wanted to ask what he was doing here and why couldn't he leave her alone. She wanted to know if he felt any different now that she let him go but all she could choke out was a strangled "A-Arnold?"


	2. The Adversary

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters.

* * *

Gasping slightly, she felt a little dizzy as she waited for the word to right itself. He couldn't really be here—fate couldn't be this cruel. She must be dreaming or delirious, his form a mere apparition. But as she felt his arms wrap around her tighter, she knew the battle had just begun. Even saying his name made her lose some of the power she gained by burning all her Arnold mementos. She was supposed to be free, but standing here nested in his arms, she felt more bound than ever before. She pushed away from him quickly, determined to not read into the disappointed look on his face. "What are you doing here?" She chastised herself as soon as the words left her mouth. He was obviously going to school here, _Doi_.

He chuckled and she tried not the let the sound reverberate in her heart. Tugging on his backpack he looked at her with a wide grin on his face. "I thought it was obvious."

She frowned. It was quite obvious. How could she had missed that he was going to school here? Admittedly she had tried to avoid him senior year, mentally preparing to let him go. But damn, this was a mistake of colossal proportions. Casually glancing behind him in an effort not to get sucked into the eyes what could make her do anything she grabbed her backpack and walked towards the elevators headed for her first class.

"I can't believe we're going to the same school." She said it more to herself than to him.

He turned and smiled at her. "Yeah, it's pretty great."

She smiled tightly. 'Great' wouldn't be the word she would use to describe it. Merciless, nightmarish, hopeless—those were the words coming to mind that would best describe this situation.

"Well, this is me," he said pointing towards the life sciences building. "I'll catch you later. Maybe we can have lunch together?"

She nodded. Not really knowing how to interact with the boy in her post-Arnold obsession world. She was too in her head and right now she needed some distance from him. If that annoying ass voice buzzing around in her head didn't shut up soon she was liable to do something foolish—like mistake his friendly offer of lunch for something more. "Yeah. See you later."

She turned, ready to run to her English Romanticism class. She couldn't stand being so close to him, smelling him, feeling his body heat. It was all too much, and she was slipping.

"Hey Helga?" He looked so cute nervously biting his lip.

She turned back around slowly. "Yes?"

He smirked and held onto the strap that was slung over his left shoulder. "I'm really glad you're here."

She smiled and rushed to her class. At least she could find some solace in her coursework right?

Wrong. All Helga could think about was Arnold and their impending lunch…thing. She scrutinized and analyzed every morsel of their conversation, looking for clues that hinted toward his intentions. By 11:30 she forced herself to focus on the professor and syllabus for her Anthropology class. She could do this. She could be a casual friend with him until he undoubtedly ditched her when he made his own. She could remain unaffected by it all. Panic crept in when she realized it was 12:15 and she seriously considered standing him up. Shaking her head she push that though aside. She wasn't going to live her life avoiding him. After all, he knew where she lived.

She summoned all of her courage grabbed her ID from her desk and made her way to the cafeteria. Surveying the space, she had to admit she was a little awestruck. She watched the hustle and bustle, heard the laughter and clamoring of students and watched people find tables and eat. She had come a long way from the girl whose mother packed saltines and shaving cream for lunch. Shaking her head at the memory she stood in line, grabbed lunch and sat at an empty table near a window overlooking the campus. She was a bundle of nerves, twisting her hair trying to keep her idle hand occupied. In an attempt to calm down she pulled out her trusty journal and began writing furiously. After a few minutes she looked up and couldn't help her automatic smile when she heard his deep, husky voice.

"There you are." He smiled his devastatingly handsome smile and she pinched her thigh in an attempt to forego swooning.

"Hey," she responded. She wanted to sound as unaffected by his presence as she was supposed to be. He sat down in front of her and she couldn't help but feel the scene seemed…intimate. Erasing the thought from her mind she decided to relax and ask him about his classes.

She was engrossed in his descriptions, smiling softly at his wild gesticulations. She saw how excited he was and the light in his eyes warmed her heart. Letting her guard down she blurted out, "I'm glad you're studying to be a microbiologist. It suits you."

He stopped for a moment, momentarily stunned by her kind words. Finding her hand he slid his across the table to squeeze it. "Thanks Helga."

She nodded. Inside she was dying. He still had a hold on her hand and she couldn't tell if pushing it off hers would break or mend her. Deciding against saying anything she listened as he continued talking about his classes, melting a little bit more each second their hands remained clasped.

Helga felt it before she saw it. Pulling his hand away from hers he grinned sheepishly and waved someone over excitedly. Confused, she followed his gesture and found a short brunette walking over to them. She glided over and she watched Arnold jumped up to find a chair to accommodate the unexpected addition. "Helga, this is Casey from my organic Chemistry class. I told her we were having lunch and invited her to tag along." Furrowing his eyebrow between the two he stood next to Casey and asked, "Is that okay with you Helga?"

What else could she say? "That's fine. Have a seat Casey." She smiled and gestured toward the new chair.

She followed their conversation with polite nods to show that she was listening but their words and sounds became distorted. She felt invisible. Casey's giggles began to buzz in Helga's ears and she knew she had to get out of there. Her mouth was dry but she couldn't swallow; not with the lump slowly forming. Pull it together, she told herself over and over again. But she couldn't. She felt like the biggest masochist in the world wearing a fabricated smile while this girl openly flirts with the boy she's showered with unrequited attention for most of her life. _Shit_. She was pathetic. No wonder he never looked her way.

Refusing to stay another minute she jumped up, flushed that all attention was now on her. "I'm sorry. I have to go. I have work in a few minutes." Ignoring their protestations she began backing away. "It was nice to meet you, Casey. See you later Arnold." She dumped her trash and flew out the dining hall.

Walking impossibly faster she angrily wiped at the traitorous tears that fell. This is what she deserved for daring to dream, for reaching too high.

The most damaging lie he told was to herself. And she repeated it time and time again. He would really see her and love her wholeheartedly. He would want her, _choose _her. It was a fool's errand and she had the scarred heart to prove it. She was sticking to the original plan. It was time to move on. If she needed a sign he just gave her one in bright, shiny neon. It would never be her, he would always choose someone else.

She found she was once again fighting a losing battle against her age-old adversary—herself.


	3. Chapter 3

She hit her alarm and woke with a start when she realized the time. Groaning, she lifted the covers over her head in a lame attempt to block out the world. It was only the first day and she was dreading the next four years. She swung her legs over the bed, achingly slow. Her body ached but she knew she had to get ready for her first day of work in the English department. As a part of her work-study this semester she had to work for three hours after her classes on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Luckily her classes on that day ended at 1, so she always had a half hour between work and class. Since she got back early from disappointment lunch with Arnold and Casey, she decided to take a nap before work—that proved to be a mistake as she rushed to make it across campus on time, fearful of making a bad first impression. Splashing water on her face and grabbing her things, she was able to make it across campus from her dorm to her campus job with a moment to spare.

She stilled her movements, caught her breath and stood awkwardly in front of the department's secretary, Mrs. Pinelli, reporting for duty. The shrewd but kind older woman regarded Helga from her big glasses, which made her big blue eyes look even more massive. "Helga Pataki I presume?" She gave the nervous girl a warm smile. "Yes, Ma'am, Helga choked out." Looking around the blond freshman, Mrs. Pinelli scanned the office for another student. Sighing she sat back down. "I guess Mr. Reyes will be showing up when he decides to. I'm glad you've decided to take your commitment to this job more seriously than he has." Shaking her head she turned her attention back to Helga. "Since you seem more responsible than your counterpart I am entrusting you with locking up the office." She handed Helga a key. "The office closes at 4:30, not 4:15, not 4:29…_4:30_. In addition to that, your duties will include filing, answering phones, and other miscellaneous duties such as watering Dr. Abernathy's plants every Monday." Pointing to an empty desk she continued. "You can sit there for the time being." Helga nodded and jotted down her list of responsibilities. She literally couldn't afford to mess this up since her weekend job barely covered her book costs. "Honey," Mrs. Pinelli started and placed a sympathetic hand on Helga's trembling one. "I know that you will be a good worker and I want you to know there's a lot of down time so you can study and get work done." She smiled warmly and Helga felt herself relax.

She smiled back at the woman and she felt something, or rather _someone_ slam into her back jutting her slightly forward. Old Helga would have punched the disruption, but new Helga understood she didn't have to hide behind hostility. New Helga was rational and compassionate. Her eyes widened when she felt two large hands grip her hips to steady her. The deep voice that followed made her melt a little. "I'm sorry beautiful, are you okay?" Helga looked up in bewilderment at two beautiful brown eyes smiling down at her. She felt strange sensations where his hands touched; her shirt riding up a little caused his pinky and ring fingers access to her exposed skin. Gasping silently she tugged her shirt down and folded her arms. She could feel his eyes on her and instead of being angry she felt self-conscious. Stepping from his embrace she nodded and moved to the side of Mrs. Pinelli's desk. The older woman arched an eyebrow at the interaction, tickled by the boy's lecherous smirk. "You must be Mr. Zachary Reyes."

He looked up at her apologetically and handed her some wilting flowers from his bag. "I'm so sorry for being late Mrs. Pinelli, I'm promise it will never happen again." Helga looked at the fanfare he made by the gesture and rolled his eyes. He honestly didn't think handing someone dying flowers and laying on the charm would excuse being late the first day of work, right? Helga's face dropped once she heard Mrs. Pinelli giggle. A few compliments and some raggedy flowers turned this strong woman into mush? What the hell? The older woman stood closer to the boy and whispered, "well let's say we keep this between us. I understand that everyone makes mistakes. Just don't let it happen again." The boy smiled and held his hand to his chest. "Scout's honor." He then turned to Helga and winked. She rolled her eyes again and opened her book. The cocky boy was making her sick. She sat at the desk while Mrs. Pinelli rattled on about Zachary's responsibilities. Before long she felt a gust of air as he sat beside her. "What are you reading?" Without bothering to look at him she held up her book so he could read the title. "Wuthering Heights, huh?" She turned back around and focused on the book, already bored by the conversation. He leaned closer and whispered, although where they were was already secluded. "So…are you reading for business or pleasure?"

Helga huffed and put down the book. "Both. I have to write a paper for class, but I love this book anyway."

He smiled a little and regarded her. There was something about her that made him want to learn more. She was mysterious, guarded. She hid behind everything—her clothes, her books, her walls. He could tell she was the loner type and she probably didn't know how beautiful she was. He had a good feeling about her, and his instincts were usually spot-on. They continued that way, her diligently reading and him sneaking glances as he finished his calculus work. Every so often Mrs. Pinelli would call on them to do some menial task and then it was back to the desk. Mrs. Pinelli, or Nancy as she asked Zachary to call her, left at 4pm, so for thirty minutes it was Helga and the curly haired boy in complete silence. He tried to strike up a conversation, but she remained focused on her book, only offering one word answers until it was time to close the office. She was about to head to her dorm when she heard Zachary call her. "Hey, Helga?"

"Yeah?"

He smiled in that annoyingly charming way. "I think I'm going to like working with you." He walked down the hallway backwards, never losing eye contact until he turned towards the door and went down the stairs. She smiled and shook her head. Maybe working with Zack wouldn't be so bad after all.

* * *

The week progressed pretty normally with Helga actually enjoying most of her classes. Most because she had one class she was dreading—biology. The reason behind the fear had little to do with the material or professor. It had everything to do with the bubbly brunette Casey. The girl was so excited to see her too. The whole thing made Helga feel guilty. She was so sweet and all Helga wanted to do was punch her. It didn't help matters that the girl talked about Arnold like she knew him her whole life. Speaking of Arnold, she rarely interacted with him at all this week, and she hoped that pattern would continue. By the time Friday rolled around she was grateful to have the whole weekend relatively to herself. She had to work Sunday morning but other than that she was going to study and hit the gym.

Dropping her bag she changed into her sweats, pulled her long blonde hair into a messy ponytail and headed to the gym. She vowed once she got to college she would try to be healthier. She was never going to be a health food nut like Olga, she just wanted to incorporate veggies when she ate a double bacon cheeseburger and drink more water. She was young and thankfully had Miriam's fast metabolism on her side. She was also told exercise was a great stress reliever so she decided to head to the campus gym. She was paying for the use as a part of her tuition, might as well use it right? She figured it was the perfect time to go since most people were studying or getting ready to go out. She was wrong. Although it wasn't packed, there were about 5 or six students in the small area either weight lifting or on the elliptical. Hopping on the second to last empty treadmill, she slipped on her headphones and got lost in her music. A tap on her shoulder turned her attention to her left where a smiling Arnold greeted her. "Hey Helga. How have you been?" He stepped on the treadmill beside her and kept talking.

She wanted to hate him. She wanted to freeze him out, push him away, but she couldn't He was so kind, so considerate, so _Arnold_. She could never hurt him purposely. "I'm good."

"I haven't seen you around. How are your classes? Casey told me she has a class with you. Biology, right?"

She nodded, all the while dying inside. Not even five minutes into the conversation and he was bringing up another girl. "Yeah."

He waited a minute for her to continue before realizing she had no plans to. "So…"

She looked at him and slipped her headphones off. "Yeah?"

"How are your other classes? Geez Helga, are you sure everything's okay?"

She hated making small talk. She hated that a conversation with Arnold had been reduced to small talk. "Yeah, everything's fine Arnold. I'm just a little tired. Classes are good. How about yours?"

He frowned when he heard her answer. Where was her fire? She seemed hollow, broken somehow. He cringed every time she called him Arnold. She'd never know how much he missed her calling him 'Football Head'.

"Helga, you know if something was wrong you could talk to me, right? You know why I was so excited when I found out we were going to the same school? I thought this could be our time to start fresh, we can be friends again." He sighed and carded a hand through his thick blonde locks. "I miss you."

Helga knew he'd only want her as his friend and no matter how much she dreamed of being more it would never happen. It hurt at first, but now she felt desensitized to the pain. She kept hitting her head against the wall. Now the spot was callous and everything was numb. "You know Arnold? I'd like that." Stepping off the treadmill she watched as he followed suit. She held out her hand for him to shake. "Friends?"

He grabbed it quickly and shook back, grinning. "Friends"

She made her way out of the room back to her dorm, with Arnold walking beside her. She felt good about this new arrangement. She could be friends with her old obsession. It was a sign of maturity that she wasn't going to ignore him completely. Besides what's the worst that could happen?

"Hey," Arnold began, fidgeting nervously. "I know you're busy and have work and everything, but there's a party tonight and I was wondering if you wanted to check it out." He looked at her with bright, hopeful eyes.

She already promised to be his friend, she decided going to a party couldn't make things worse. "What the hey."

He bounced on his heels. "Great. I can meet you here at 10."

"See you then Arnold." She waved at his retreating figure and ran up to room.

* * *

An hour later she was laying on her bed, pools of clothing sprawled out beside her. She was nervous. All that false optimism from this afternoon was gone and she couldn't for the life of her understand why she accepted his offer. What if he meant it as something more than a friendly outing? She had to dress to impress while looking like she didn't care. She had zero experience in this and it showed in the outfits she was pulling together. Finally decided to just be herself she pulled out a pair of her dressier black skinny jeans, a silky one shoulder blue blouse. Focusing on comfort she wore a pair of broken in black peep toe pumps and accessorized with a sleek high ponytail, gold bangle and black clutch. She then added minimal makeup, and took a second to preen in the mirror before she heard a knock at the door.

"Hey Helga, it's me." She knew Arnold's voice anywhere.

She took a deep breath and tried to shake her jitters away. Hand on the doorknob she closed her eyes slightly. _Here goes nothing. _


	4. Melt My Heart to Stone

She opened her eyes and grimaced at the sight of him, hoping it looked like a smile. Normally he was gorgeous but now he was devastatingly so. He was 6 feet and his runner's build made his black v-neck shirt tighten against his frame. But it was his eyes, his beautiful, compassionate eyes that always got Helga hook, line, and sinker. Problem was he didn't have to do anything extraordinary to take her breath away. She took in the way his eyes danced over her body. She thought she saw his eyes light up when he looked at her, but pushed it down. It was dangerous to make those assumptions. He smiled his usual smile and nudged her shoulder. "I'm glad you decided to come tonight Helga."

At a loss for words, she nodded in his direction. This was not good. She could feel it—him crawling back into her conscious. He made her feel like the little girl with her face pressed up against the glass, staring at a boy who quickly became her dream, her escape. Every time she saw him she was transported to that day. Her memories, her senses were tuned to his every word, his every action. He was so inextricably a part of her every being. And she hated herself for it. His touch had the power to heal and destroy a thousand times in one movement. His smile could detonate her deepest desires. It was crazy. It was unhealthy. It was a sad life to only exist for someone else. It was even sadder when that love forced you to see your own imperfections, made you delude yourself against telling the truth. Truth was she would never be good enough for him, she would never be enough for him. That was her lot in life. Flowers weren't meant to pollinate with weeds. Innocents weren't made to fraternize with demons.

He was seeping in the crevices. Maybe being this close to him so soon after… everything was bad. Maybe it would be the key to her undoing. Shit. Her facade was breaking. Tough as nails Helga was crackling and the real Helga was showing: the sad, confused vulnerable girl who only wanted someone to show her kindness, someone who would only require that she be herself.

She had to regain her sanity. She put on her mask, rebuilt her walls and kept moving. Step by step, inch by inch she walked alongside him, seemingly unaffected by his presence. She felt herself answering his questions, responding in a friendly tone that belied her true emotions. Arnold smiled as he looked at his old friend. Helga was loosening up around him. His life was chaotic at an early age and he found comfort in routines. All of his things were in order, everything had a place. Things were catalogued, routines were adhered to. Looking out at his friend, he took comfort in her familiarity—in the way her soft blonde hair whipped with the wind, in the way her shoulders slumped slightly when she walked. There was so much that she left unsaid and he focused on her mannerisms to gauge her true feelings. Right now they told him to back away. She told him in the way she grimaced slightly like she always did when she was thinking about something and how she bit her lip when she was uncomfortable. He tried to be subtle, tried to make her comfortable. He wanted her to understand that telling him how she felt wasn't the end of the world. Maybe uninterrupted time together without memories of the past would bring her out of her shell, her armor. They stood outside as the wind picked up. He watched her shiver slightly.

"If you want to go, just let me know and we'll leave together."

She smiled. "Okay. Let's go inside. I'm freezing."

He chuckled but grabbed her shoulder before she could walk in. He pulled her close and tried to ignore the panic he saw on her face. "I'm really glad to be here…with you."

She shook it off. Not everything the boy said had some hidden meaning. Maybe he was just saying he didn't want to be alone. She could handle that. "Yeah, yeah yeah. Let's go."

He sighed, realizing the moment passed. "Whatever you say Helga."

The door swung open and they were pulled in by one of Arnold's friends.

"Hey Shortman," the tall redhead greeted.

"Hey James, " Arnold responded. He was not at all happy with the looks James was giving Helga.

"And who might you be?" He moved around Arnold and stood in front of Helga.

Arnold beat her to it. "This is my…this is...well, this is Helga." He stood there awkwardly, knowing he just made a fool of himself.

Helga rolled her eyes, but smiled kindly at the boy. "Nice to meet you James." He leaned in closer. Had Helga paid any attention she would have seen Arnold frown and clench his jaw. "Promise you'll dance with me later." He winked and wiggled his eyebrows. Helga couldn't help but laugh. He was coming on a little strong but he was harmless.

"I'll see what I can do," she responded before turning her attention back to Arnold.

He had to lean in closer so she could hear him over the music, "Hey, I'll grab us some drinks. What do you want?"

She leaned in as well, bopping her head to the music and pretending that his cologne wasn't doing things to her. "Water." She learned a long time ago from countless nights of holding Miriam's hair while she puked that alcohol was evil. She hated the stuff.

"I'll be back," he added before walking away.

She was dancing to the music, slowly getting lost in it when she bumped into someone. The same rugged hands that steadied her a week ago jutted out to steady her now. "Geez, Zack, we gotta stop meeting like this."

There Zack stood, a girl in each arm and a fedora on his head, his smug grin firmly intact. "Quit the bullshit _goldilocks_. You know you like it." She crossed her arms defensively. After their first day on the job he had taken to calling her the affectionate nickname. Mainly he did it because it made Helga angry and she looked so cute when she was mad.

The girls he was with snarled at Helga and grabbed Zack like they were protecting their territory.

Helga held her hands up in the air. "Easy girls, we're just talking." Looking at Zack she added, "Can you tell your groupies to stand down?"

He chuckled. "They're just jealous because I'm talking to the prettiest girl here."

He was really laying on thick. She arched a brow and pursed her lips, trying to hide her amusement. "Has that ever worked for you?"

"Never fails. You sure you don't want to dance? There's always room for one more." He gestured towards his left side where Brady was pulling him closer.

"You know," Helga said looking around for Arnold. "I think I'll pass."

He shrugged. "If you change your mind, I'll be dancing." He began twirling the giggling girls simultaneously as they walked closer to the crowd.

Helga scoffed. He didn't even try to deviate from the playboy stereotype. At least he was predictable. For some strange reason his antics made her smile, and that was something sorely missing from her life. Her smile dropped when she saw a happy Arnold saunter over with _Casey_ in tow. That girl was seriously like a roach. Casey ran towards her and engulfed her in a one-sided hug. Helga tried to hide her discomfort.

"Look who I found when I went to get our drinks." Arnold smiled obliviously and handed Helga her water.

"Isn't this great? I was so nervous I wouldn't know anyone here," Casey beamed. "Now we can all hang out together!"

"Yay." Helga mumbled sarcastically and tried to cover it by taking a sip of her water. Not even thirty minutes in and she was ready to concede.

The song changed and the normally happy girl got even worse and began clapping like a hyper child. "Oh I love this song! Arnold will you dance with me?" She held her hand out in front of the boy and Arnold took it. Once again she stood on the sidelines and watched someone else vie for Arnold's attention. As if he just noticed her presence Arnold turned to Helga. "Is that okay with you?" She nodded and smiled. "Go. You can't keep Casey waiting." What else was she supposed to say? 'Don't look at another girl because I have an unhealthy attachment to you and have had one most of our lives?' She did what she usually did and was left with the same result: a stabbing feeling in her chest as she watched Arnold wrapped around someone else.

Diverting her attention she took another swig of water and turned towards the yelling boys congregating around the TV. "What's going on?"

"Call of Duty." Someone responded, not taking their eyes off the screen.

"Cool." She plunked down on the empty spot on the couch. Another boy turned around and looked at her. "Isn't this game a little too violent for you? Shouldn't you be sticking to dancing games?" The boys around him snickered.

She smirked—video games were her domain. She was going to shut them up not with her words but with her actions. Grabbing the controller from the losing boy she hit a crazy combo and effectively ended the game. After she won she put the controller down and turned to the chauvinist. "What were you saying?"

"Okay I take it all back. Next game night you are definitely invited."

"I want her on my team," the other boy piped in.

She laughed and shook her head, ready to go look for Arnold. Lo and behold he was a few feet in front of her with his arm around a giggling Casey.

Arnold waved her over. "Helga, we've been looking for you." Her heart tore a little at how comfortable they looked together. She'd never felt so unwelcomed. Casey sat on a barstool while Arnold stood in front of her rubbing the back of his neck. This was new—he looked nervous.

"Having fun, Arnold?"

"Yeah. I just feel bad I haven't spend time with you."

"No worries. I'm a big girl. I'm not going to wilt once you leave me alone." That was only partially true. She knew how to survive alone, but it didn't mean she wanted to.

"Well?" He looked between her and the crowd. "Do you?"

"Do I what?" She asked.

He sighed and held out his hand. "Do you want to dance with me?" His face was crimson by the time he finally asked.

"Lead the way." She smiled, trying not to read too much into the moment. Besides he already spent most of the night with Casey.

It was awkward at first- him being this close to her willingly. But soon she gave into it. If there relationship could be summed up in this moment she was going to enjoy it. She could feel the planes of his torso against her back and she wiggled her hips a little not realizing the effect she was having on him. His hands felt like fire as they gripped her hips, bringing her impossibly closer. She felt herself melting into him until she heard his deep voice whisper in her ear while his chin lay on her shoulder. "You're beautiful Helga." Her body went rigid. She gasped and her eyes widened to the size of blue saucers. This couldn't be real. He was holding her close and saying things she'd always wanted him to say. It was overwhelming. "I-I have to go." Wiggling out of his embrace she excused herself and ran to the bathroom, ignoring him repeatedly calling her name.

She splashed water on her face and looked at herself in the mirror. Scoffing at her red puffy eyes that were doing their best to keep her tears at bay she grabbed some tissue and wiped around them. "He probably thinks I'm a freak." His words made her cling to the hope that he could love her. That he could _see_ her. But she could have just missed her chance. She felt like a fool running away from him. Gripping the sink she closed her eyes, took a deep breath, opened them and left the bathroom in search of Arnold.

Scrambling past the beer pong and bumbling through the crowd she found him. And his lips were attached to Casey's. There was a moment, a quiet insignificant moment where she knew she lost him forever-a moment where she felt like she was being punished for lying to herself. She had to let him go. He would never be hers. But right now she needed to leave. She could feel the hurt building on her chest making it hard to breathe.

Turning away from the sight she didn't bother to wipe the tears from her eyes. Blurred, unfocused eyes made it difficult to see and that became obvious when she collided into someone. He held out hands to steady her and she felt them wrap around her, gently rubbing her arm and placing a kiss on her head. "What happened Goldilocks?"

She should have pushed Zack away, but she was unraveling and it felt nice to be held. To be welcomed in someone's arms instead of being constantly rejected. She heard his soft voice even through the booming music. "Hey, I'll walk you home." She nodded against his chest, reaching for his hands as they walked away from the party to the dorms.


	5. Chapter 5

**DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING**

* * *

It was quiet tonight. The tranquil atmosphere contrasted to torrent of emotions within.

"You didn't have to walk me back."

Zack nudged her a little with his shoulder. "Are you kidding me? My mother would kill me if she knew I left a pretty girl who was crying at a party alone."

She laughed a little and wiped the tears from her eyes. "Thanks, Zack. If you want to go back to your groupies I won't tell your mom you ditched me." She nudged him back a little.

He held her wrist and stood in front of her. "Those girls don't matter—you do. You don't have to hide from me Helga. If you're hurt, it's okay to be hurt. Let me in." He gathered her up and pulled her to him.

And she did. They sat on a bench and she told him everything. She spared no detail and tried to gloss over the truly stalker-ish things she'd done for Arnold's attention. She kept looking up at him, fearful of his reaction. If he thought she was crazy he didn't show it. He held her close, whispering words of assurance in the cool night air. She was beyond grateful.

They decided to stand and continue walking when Zack noticed Helga drifting off. He lifted her and carried her back to her dorm. Taking off her shoes and jacket he tucked her in and placed a kiss on her forehead. Her eyes fluttered open slightly as he began to move back. Holding his face in her hands she drew him closer and whispered to him. "I know your secret…you're kind of amazing Zack."

He smiled and took one of her hands and held it to his, kissing it before letting it go. "So are you Goldilocks. So are you."

Watching her drift to sleep again he walked out of the room and turned off the light. "Sweet Dreams Helga."

* * *

She woke up feeling lighter than she had in a long time. She could feel herself letting go of him. She smirked at the irony of it all. For years she made herself his bully, his tormentor when in actuality he tormented her every thought and action since the first day she met him. She gave him so much power, so much control. She finally understood there would always be a Ruth, or Lila, or Summer, or Casey or any other random girl he'd be in love with this week. It was always someone else—it would never be Helga.

For the first time in a long time her first thought wasn't about Arnold and it felt good. She felt free.

She rushed to the shower with a big goofy grin on her face. She was going to thank Zack for last night. Sometimes Zack came in to work drinking a caramel macchiato. She knew he loved the drink by the way he slurped every morsel from his coffee cup. She thought it was obnoxious at first but now had to admit that it was kind of adorable. That _he_ was kind of adorable.

She was giddy on her way to work. Standing in line at the coffee shop she decided to forgo her regular order of black coffee and try a vanilla latte. It was time for change. Grabbing the coffee and a muffin she prepared to leave the shop when she was flagged down by Casey who sat in the back of the small shop next to Arnold.

Steeling her spine, she walked over to them.

"Hey guys how's it going?"

She ignored Arnold staring at the two cups she sat at their table.

"It's good Helgs," Casey replied. Helga hated the nickname. Really, how much more effort would be exerted to call her by her full name? Was she really saving time by dropping the second syllable? When she was younger she would have threatened the girl with bodily harm, now she realized the fight wouldn't have been worth it. She mellowed in her teens, opting to talk out her disagreements instead. Before she could say anything Arnold spoke up.

"She hates being called anything but Helga."

Her eyes widened a little. She wondered how he knew that about her, how he knew anything about her. He seemed pretty oblivious most of the time. Casey shot her an apologetic look.

"Oh I'm sorry Helga. I had no idea." Helga shrugged. She was used to being called every name but her own by her family; it was really no big deal. Her heart fluttered when she realized the people that were closest to her called her by her full name and lurched when she realized Arnold was among them.

She waved it away, realizing it's one of the many things she gave up on. "Don't worry about it, it's no big deal." Grabbing her coffee cup she was ready to leave when Arnold blurted out: "Who's the other cup for?"

She wanted to tell him it was none of his business. But she wasn't angry with him. He no longer had a finger on her impulse control. He no longer elicited a response.

She smiled, not even bothering to contain her happiness. "A friend."

Casey giggled beside an annoyed-looking Arnold. "Some friend Helga. Look at you blushing. He must be _really_ special."

She touched her cheek, missing the eye roll Arnold supplied. If she would have seen it, she would have realized how jealous he was acting over the mention of another man.

Feeling her hot cheeks only deepened her blush. "I-I have to go. See ya later." She turned around and headed towards the door, which Arnold rushed to open for her.

"Helga! Wait!" He walked in synch with her as the put his coat on. "Can we talk about Friday?"

"Don't even worry about it Arnold. It doesn't matter."

He liked it when she was mad at him. He knew anger was the default emotion she was comfortable displaying. This, this made no sense whatsoever. He'd take a sarcastic remark or threat over her indifference any day. And who was this jerk vying for her attention? He didn't know him, but he already hated him. "It does matter. I invited you and we didn't spend more than 10 minutes together. I looked for you. I called. You never responded."

"Yeah I had a busy weekend—double shift at the diner and my first paper. There's really no need to apologize. I'm over it."

He was very logical and rational, always taking things at surface value. The girl in front of him forced him to look deeper and consistently pushed his buttons. Their relationship was strange. Every time she pushed him away he understood she needed him closer. She was always that sad, vulnerable girl who let her fear rule her.

To his relief she was always predictable. When everyone was confusing and scary, she was his safe place. But now for the first time he couldn't read her. He didn't know how she was feeling and that scared the shit out of him.

"Why'd you run off?" His voice was so soft she craned her neck to hear his question.

She looked down at her feet refusing to give him eye contact. She knew once she did he could see her hurt. She couldn't give him that power. "I—I didn't believe you. Let's just drop it okay? We're friends. Let's leave it at that."

She seemed hurt, but in typical Helga fashion she was trying to use anger to hide it. "Look obviously something happened that made you mad. You can tell me."

"I saw you okay?"

He shook his head. "Saw me what?"

"I saw you with Casey. I saw you kiss her. I was doing you a favor by getting out of your way."

Arnold made many mistakes under the influence of alcohol. At their high school graduation party he peed in Rhonda's pool. Last year he locked himself inside Stinky's bathroom and threw toilet paper and soap out the window. Kissing Casey had to be the worst. He didn't know what to say. He couldn't defend his actions.

She waited for his response and then laughed, when she realized he wouldn't be giving one. This only seemed to anger Arnold.

"What's so funny?"

Nothing, really."

"_Helga_."

She hated that tone. It was his 'let me help' tone. It was his 'I'm so disappointed' tone. It usually made her happy that someone cared or made her reflect on her actions. Now it made her want to cringe. "It just amazes me that I have no expectations for you yet I'm constantly disappointed."

He furrowed his brows. "What does that mean? There was the confused Arnold she knew.

She sighed. "Nothing. It means nothing. See you around." She spun on her heels and went to work.

* * *

She got to the office first and slid the coffee at Zach's workstation along with a little thank you note. She began watering the plants and filing some papers.

Well well well…a love note and my favorite coffee? It looks like someone has a crush on me. Zack batted his eyes as Helga balled up the note and threw it at him. He laughed as he batted it away.

"In your dreams pal." She rolled her eyes and walked away, failing to notice the megawatt smile on her face.

He leant into her and spoke seductively. "Trust me Goldilocks, in my dreams you're giving me more than coffee." He winked and grabbed the watering can from her hand, leaving to water the remaining plants.

"Eww. You should never say that to another girl again." She should have been skeeved by the implication but she wasn't. It was weird being flirted with. It was weird liking anyone who wasn't Arnold. This was just weird. But if she were honest...she actually liked it.

They spent two hours like that-Giggling, flirting stealing glances, and occasionally answering phones. The office was dead so they took the time to play card games and trade secrets (Zach had the upper-hand…he already knew all of Helga's embarrassing secrets). It made the time go by faster and she regretted her time ending.

They were just about to close when he tapped her shoulder. He asked in a concerned voice. "Hey Helga, how are you?" It was weird how he switched like that. One minute he could go from slimy, to playful to sweet.

She smiled and tucked a piece of hair behind her ears bashfully. "I'm fine." Looking up at him she felt a weird flutter she only felt in Arnold's presence. "Really, thank you." She had such a hard time expressing gratitude. Not knowing what else to do she hugged him and kissed his cheek before locking the door and heading to her dorm.


	6. Chapter 6

_Early October_

Helga walked up to Zack's apartment a little winded. The bags full of groceries were ratting against the staircase and she was hoping she was graceful enough for the eggs to be okay. One of the perks of having non-freshman friends was hanging out in their off-campus apartments. Thankfully, Zack always let her come over when she needed a breather from dorm life. She smiled thinking about her good friend Zack that she was growing closer to with every passing day.

He was just a friend—a friend Helga occasionally kissed under the influence of alcohol and had strange fantasies about, but a friend nonetheless. There was no pressure with him, no fear over him criticizing her actions. Nothing was at stake if he didn't like her. It was…different. For the first time in a long time it was okay to be herself, not just around him but around everyone.

She was gaining confidence. She finally realized that the whole world isn't out to get you. That everyone else had insecurities too and fuck anyone who made you feel bad for being yourself.

Which is why she was standing on her friend's doorstep with her hands stocked full of ingredients for her other friend's birthday—that's right, Helga was planning on baking Arnold a birthday cake.

Over the past few weeks she realized she needed to take Arnold at face value, to stop putting unfair hope in him. She needed to be realistic. She loved him and he would never love her back so she was moving on, for real this time. After her anger and sadness left, her fear followed and she was actually able to have a casual conversation with Arnold. She apologized for what she said outside the coffee shop and they agreed to sweep it under the rug and start over. They weren't the best of friends but they had grown closer in the past few weeks—close enough for her to get him a birthday present. She smirked when she heard Zack grumble and shuffle to answer the door. He was never a morning person and judging by how long it was taking him to open up the door he had an _interesting_ Friday night.

She knocked again and heard him groan before opening the door. He looked a mess—his curls were wild and disheveled. He was wearing a pink robe that appeared to be two sizes too small and his boxers were stuck to his legs. He was scratching his head while looking down at the bags, although she doubted he could see anything with those crooked thick aviator shades on.

Her grin widened when he finally looked up at her. "Thanks for finally answering the door."

Helga, it's 8AM on a Saturday. Who in the world gets up the early?"

She smiled moving past him to his kitchen. "People who promised their friends they could use their ovens."

He plopped down on the couch watching her maneuver in his kitchen, his fond smile grew at the sight of her.

"I can't believe you cook."

She slammed the mixing bowl on his counter, smiling triumphantly at the wince he produced. "Believe it." Since she was thirteen, Helga had been cooking and experimenting with food. She realized no one was going to take care of her and waiting for Olga to come home from one of her do-gooder missions for a home cooked meal was like waiting for rain in the desert. Besides, cooking provided the perfect outlet for her anger. She hated to sound smug but she had to admit, she was pretty good. As a gesture of friendship she decided to make Arnold a cake because, well, eggs and flour were a lot cheaper than an actual gift.

"All I know is for my birthday, I better get 2 cakes." He pouted, and sat back on the couch his hands behind his head while his long legs draped over the arm rest. She giggled and sucked her lips into her mouth. Stopping immediately she focused on cracking the eggs. Helga did many things-giggling wasn't one of them. She didn't know why being around him made her act so girly.

Zack beamed at the sound. He loved Helga like this. Something about her made him take notice. She was like a diamond in the rough, probably used to being passed by and overlooked, but once people took notice they would recognize how rare and beautiful she was. He was glad he was able to see her shine.

"We'll see," she finally answered, mixing the batter and placing the filled cake pans in the oven. Feeling sorry for him she closed the oven, walked over to the couch and moved his legs off the chair so he could sit down. Ignoring his grumbles she handed him two aspirin and a bottle of water. "Here Grumpy," she said playfully tousling his curls. They settled on the couch and watched the TV. To the casual observer they looked eerily domestic, what with Helga in her apron, her arm threaded through Zach's and her head on his shoulder. Once she set the cake out to cool she took her shoes off putting her feet in his lap.

Zack loved how relaxed she was, how comfortable he was around her. With his eyes focused on the TV, his shades long gone, he began rubbing her feet. She laid back then moaning softly at his actions. It felt so good. "Where did you learn how to do that?"

He continued, applying more pressure where she was tense. "Guess I picked up a few things in the locker room." He did more than pick up a few things, he was a natural at sports medicine, and would usually ask the team doctor for tips. Helga hoped he would pursue a career in that instead of trying to be a professional football player.

She could feel her eyes rolling in the back of her head. With running to class and double weekend shifts at the diner she was on her feet all day. She could feel herself unraveling at his touch. Seriously, she was practically melting. This was definitely blurring the friendship lines. Not wanting to give him the wrong impression (but actually making it worse) she jumped up to put icing on the cake.

He shook his head as he watched her scurry away. He liked seeing her all flustered. He thought it was adorable.

He watched her pull out the little spatula and smooth the white icing over the cake. He tried not to stare but he couldn't help it. What was this girl doing to him? And the way she bit her lip slightly in concentration as she iced the cake was the sexiest thing he ever saw. It brought attention to her lips, the lips he knew tasted like candy from her mango butter lip gloss. Right now, he was itching for a taste.

Shaking those thoughts out of his head he leaned over, into the bowl he watched her make icing from and dipped his finger in. "Zack, you're going to ruin my cake!"

She didn't like the mischievous glint in his eye and didn't know what he was up to, but she didn't have to wait too long to find out. He took the icing on his hand and swiped it on her nose.

She glared at him before focusing her eyes on the icing, effectively crossing her eyes. He laughed but gulped when he realized how close she was to him. Standing impossibly closer she smirked, her lips millimeters from his. "You're going to pay for that."

His eyes stayed glued to her lips. All he has to do was move a tiny bit, and he could have what he wanted. Only problem was, they weren't drunk and he wasn't sure she wanted him without liquor involved. He was distracted and she used it against him. Licking her lips and touching his slightly she moved her nose to his cheek where she smeared the icing from her nose, giggling all the while. She then took her hand and dropped it in the icing bowl, smearing icing down his face. Gasping he chased her around his apartment with the bowl, ready to exact his revenge. "Don't you dare Zack!" She was ducking behind furniture and laughing. He had her cornered, but apparently being sloppy was his downfall because he literally tripped over his shoe and fell right on top of her.

She shook her head and closed her eyes tightly, knowing the bowl hovered over her head and hoping he didn't drop it there. His gaze turned lecherous as he watched the rise and fall of her chest. They were friends and all but he still had eyes. He could still see how beautiful she was and he still wanted to…oh no. He could feel the blood rushing to his dick and he knew if he didn't slow down his friend would be making an unexpected appearance. His eyes widened as he looked down on her still closed ones, hoping she couldn't feel it. Oh Shit. She gasped looking up at him. She definitely felt it.

Helga didn't know what was going on. Her body never had a physical reaction to anyone that wasn't Arnold…ever. She was pinned underneath Zach and her body felt like it was on fire. And was that…oh yeah, he was feeling something too. She moaned and bit her lip trying to bite it back. This was so embarrassing, she wanted him, she wanted to be closer to him somehow. Following her instincts she raised her hips a little, hungry for contact. She was surprised when she heard him groan. The icing long forgotten he settled his hands palms down on either side of her head. They had to stop…whatever it was they were just doing. "H-Helga what are we doing?" His voice was strained, the veins in his neck bulged, he was trying to slow down.

She never felt so embarrassed in all her life. He was her friend and she just tried to dry hump him in the middle of his living room. She pushed herself off of him, sure her whole face was red as a tomato. "I..I've got to go." She slipped on her shoes and jostled the cake in the plastic cake container she brought. Ignoring his calls she hightailed it out of there to Arnold's so she could give him his present and forget any of this ever happened.

Frustrated, Zack grabbed a pillow off the couch and screamed into it. The last thing he wanted to do was scare her away. Now he could sense their relationship was about to get awkward.

* * *

Helga made it to Arnold's dorm in record time. She practically sprinted from Zack's apartment. She couldn't leave fast enough. She tried to be normal and it backfired. At least she couldn't embarrass herself like that on front of Arnold. He seemed to not notice she was a girl, which quite honestly was a relief right now.

She was a little sweaty from the room but she didn't think he would notice. She hoped the cake was alright. Knocking on the door she was yanked in by Arnold's roommate Garth. The boy was sweet but he was the stereotypical jock. "Oh thank God you're here Helga. If I had to listen to one more of these jazz songs..." She looked over to Arnold, who bare acknowledged her presence. Walking next to Garth she whispered, "what's wrong with him?"

Garth frowned at his sullen roommate. "He thinks Casey's cheating on him."

She was confused. He would let that ruin his birthday? Of course he would, this was Arnold. He always let a girl control his emotions.

"Why doesn't he just confront her?"

Garth shook his head.

Arnold sighed. "I don't want to seem jealous."

She put his cake on his desk and stood in front of him, arms crossed. "So you'd rather seem like a pushover?"

She got his attention then and held it briefly until he rolled his eyes and stared back at the ceiling. "You wouldn't understand." Taking that as his cue to leave, Garth scurried out the room and headed to the gym.

She took of her coat and put it by his chair. Of course she understood, but she didn't want him to know.

She grabbed the cake and sat beside him, placing the bin on her lap. Pulling out two forks she handed one over to him and opened the container. They sat in silence eating the cake both thinking over their morning. He pulled her closer, putting her head on his chest but continued to stare blankly into space.

"Helga?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks." He smiled down at her then.

She returned the gesture. "Happy birthday Arnold." She nuzzled further into his chest and smiled.

She was sitting with Arnold, practically being held by him, and she didn't feel her heart race or palms sweat. In fact she didn't feel a fraction of what she felt an hour ago on Zack's floor. It was a weird hollow feeling—knowing everything you ever believed was wrong.


	7. Chapter 7

_**Mid October Part I**_

* * *

Helga slunk into work hoping she wouldn't run into him. After last week's embarrassing encounter she made it a point to avoid Zack at any and all costs. She even went as far as switching shifts at work. She knew she was being childish, and maybe she was acting like a coward but she didn't know what else to do. She couldn't face him, not after she practically threw herself at him.

Her luck had run out because today she was going to have to work her normal time and she was dreading it.

She walked into the office waving a cursory hello to Mrs. Pinnelli and tried to keep her eyes from his work space. She stopped when she saw the coffee he left on her desk. If she hadn't felt horrible before she felt like shit then. Grabbing the cup she lifted it up in his direction. "Thank you."

He nodded and slipped his headphones on, concentrating on the textbook in front of him. She wasn't going to lie, it stung when he ignored her. But to be fair maybe she was getting a taste of her own medicine. She'd lost count of the blocked calls, deleted texts and ignored knocks on her door. Looking at the drink she thought briefly he laced it with poison, although she realized how stupid that sounded. She would have to find a way to apologize, to make it up to him somehow.

They sat in painstaking silence until Mrs. Pinnelli left them alone and with a wave wished them a good weekend. Helga kept tapping her foot anxiously and checking the time on her cell. She didn't even know what to say but she knew she had to say something.

She walked over to his desk and sat on it, swinging her legs and hoping he would pay her attention. Letting out an air of frustration she leaned forward and took the bud from his ear. "I get it Zack. You're mad at me."

He looked at her for a second trying to hide the hurt in his eyes. "Oh is that you Helga? I thought you dropped off the face of the earth." He rolled his eyes and coldly turned away from her.

Okay she deserved that. She tapped on his shoulder hoping he'd turn around. "I'm sorry Zack. I shouldn't have ignored you. It's just…" She could tell she had his attention even though she hoped she didn't.

"Just what," he askedimpatiently.

She could feel the undeniable blush rising in her cheeks. He was going to make her say it. "I am no good with this. I'm rude, defensive. I say and do all the wrong things and I always end up making everything worse." She looked down then, fiddling with her sleeves. "I guess what I'm trying to say is…"

He turned to her fully and took his headphones off. She had his full attention. He wanted her to say she wanted more with him. Hopefully a relationship. That's all he had been thinking about. She sounded so soft, so vulnerable that he wanted to hold her, but he needed to hear what she wanted. He had to hear she felt it too.

She looked up at him and shook her head fighting against what she wanted to say. Her voice changed and she hope it hid the truth. "I'm sorry. I was just really embarrassed by what happened. I mean we're friends, right? Just friends and here I am jumping on you. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. Can we just start over? Forget it ever happened?" She looked up with him then, eyes full of hope.

His smile dropped at her words. Did she know what her eyes did to him? He was sure he would try to steal the stars from the sky if she asked him to. He was already in too deep and he knew it wouldn't end well. He wanted more, but he wasn't going to push her. She clearly wasn't ready.

He carded a hand through his hair and smiled at her. "Let's just pretend it never happened."

She nodded hoping it looked sincere. The last thing she wanted was to forget it happened. He was awakening feelings that she buried, feelings she thought she could only have for one person. She was sure if he was interested before it was long gone. "Agreed." She gave him a hug then, a friendly hug and tried not to hold him too close or linger too long.

They broke apart and stood next to each other awkwardly. Easing the tension, Zack decided to switch subjects. "So tomorrow's the homecoming game." She rolled her eyes. She certainly didn't need him reminding her about it. Her RA had been sliding flyers under the door for weeks, sending out obnoxious emails, and chattering about the event whenever she had the misfortune of running into her. It wasn't so much the game but the attached parent's weekend the University threw every homecoming game that annoyed her. She was just reminded of the kind of parents she had, and she hated remembering that.

"I'm aware."

He chuckled at her response. "Come on, have some school spirit Goldilocks." He wiggled his eyebrows which made her laugh. God he loved that sound.

She shook her head, happy that he was still speaking to her. "I'm here aren't I," she responded, not really answering him.

"Well, I'm starting and I wanted to know if I'll see you at the game."

He was so adorable with his curly hair and big puppy dog eyes, how could she say no? "You don't need me. Your groupies will be there to cheer you on."

"Yeah but they're not my good look charm, you are." He winked and nudged his shoulder with hers.

She looked up at him them, pretending to let him stew a little, but who was she kidding? He already had her hook, line and sinker. She missed this, she missed being around him. She didn't know how but the boy had a calming effect on her. "Fine. I'll be there."

He smiled then and she was sure she swooned a little. "Great. I just so happen to have an extra ticket." He dug in his jacket pocket and pulled out a ticket with much fanfare. "Truth?" He looked down at her, his voice softer then. "If you didn't come to work today, I was going to slide it under your door."

She winced remembering how she almost ruined their friendship. "Yeah, sorry for being weird. Just so you know, if you would have slid it under the door, I still would've went." She put her hands in her pocket to stop the urge she had to run her fingers through his hair. She didn't know what it was about him, but she always wanted to jump all over him whenever they were close. Great, she sounded like another one of his groupies.

"See you tomorrow?"

She nodded and with a little wave watched him walk away. She waited a few seconds before she sighed and started to walk home.

* * *

Saturday morning came much too soon for Helga who with a moan hit the snooze button on her alarm. She wished she was sleeping her Friday night away like most normal college students but she wasn't.

She was meeting Arnold at the museum this morning because they were having a free admission day. She had been hanging out with her former classmate more lately and he had to admit she liked being his friend. She also liked having mature conversations with him and hearing his ideas and opinions on topics. After finding out they both loved Salvador Dali paintings, Arnold heard about the art museum's free admission day and invited Helga to join him. They were especially excited about the Dali exhibit. She grabbed her glasses and threw her hair in a messy bun, smiling about the progress she had made. Old Helga would have scrutinized and analyzed every detail of his invite, she would have tried to change in order to be something Arnold would like. She would have agonized over outfits and memorized the perfect conversation topics. Old Helga would have spent an enormous amount of time prepping and being uncomfortable just to please Arnold. New Helga didn't care about that. New Helga was happy to be hanging out with her friend, not wasting time with an unrequited love. Progress.

After she showered she slipped on her jeans, laced up her Chucks, threw on a tank and some lip gloss, put on her sweater, slug her bag across her shoulders and headed out to meet Arnold.

She walked up to him and found him checking his phone, bouncing on the balls of his feet. "Hey Shortman you ready?"

He looked up at her and smiled. God she was beautiful. He was sure she didn't know which made him think she was that much more beautiful. There was such an ease to her movements, a warmth in her smile. He couldn't look away, even though she probably thought his stare was creepy.

"Let's do this Pataki."

They walked to the museum in a comfortable silence, occasionally looking up at the flashy window displays in the department stores. He leaned in closer to her as he watched her bite her lip. "What are you thinking about?"

She looked at him smirking a little. "Arnold? I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I realize I wasted so much time being mad at you for not giving me what I wanted. I didn't know what it was like to be your friend. I really missed out."

He slowed down a little. "What did you want from me? Why didn't you ask for it? I would have given you anything you wanted."

_No you wouldn't have and I wouldn't have asked because it's pathetic and sad to beg someone to love you_. She stared at her shoes. Was she really going to tell him now? Did it even matter? It wouldn't change anything, in fact it might make everything worse. She shrugged, trying to downplay the enormity of her old emotions. "It doesn't matter now, just silly girl stuff."

He sighed. Sometimes she frustrated him to no end. He was dense but he wasn't an idiot. He knew the hold he had over her. He knew how she felt. He hoped they could be friends, build on something, start from scratch in a new place but he wasn't going to push her. That was a promise he made to her (without her knowledge) a long time ago. He wondered if she would ever be ready to admit her feelings. He had so much to tell her. He wanted to let her know he broke up with Casey not because she cheated but because he had stronger feelings for someone else, feelings that he had for a while and quite honestly never went away. But he didn't. Moron that he was, he just let her keep thinking her feelings went unnoticed and unreciprocated. Disappointed in them both, he just kept walking. "Whatever you say Helga."

There was a slight tension between them that lifted when they got to the museum. They spent time quizzing each other on artists and styles before heading to the Dali exhibit.

Helga was enraptured by it all. His paintings always spoke to her, always made her look at herself differently. Every distorted image mocked her, mocked how out of touch with reality her love for Arnold was. How she created a world which only existed in her head. She broke away from her thoughts when she heard Arnold speak. "I just love how every painting tells a story about perception and how we see reality. Everything's right at the surface if you take the time took look hard enough, don't you agree?"

He was so close to her, his voice sounded deeper, seductive even. Was he flirting with her? Wow she was losing it. Clearing her throat she checked her watch. "I can't believe how late it's getting. I have to head back now maybe I'll catch you later?"

She didn't even wait for his response before rushing out of the museum. Damn. Everything was going fine. Why did she have to go and ruin it? She hated to admit it but there it was staring her in the face: maybe there was a still a little bit of Old Helga left.


	8. Chapter 8

**_Mid October Part II_**

* * *

She shook her head as she walked back to her dorm. Why was she such an idiot? Every time a boy shows a remote interest in her she runs in the opposite direction? At this rate she was going to be a bitter old maid with 50 cats yelling at couples from her rocking chair on her porch. Last week's catastrophe with Zack was only the beginning. She was angry. But unlike last week, she was not angry with herself. She was furious with Arnold. She hated the way he could swoop in and muddy their friendship; she hated how she felt herself regress when he showed the slightest hint of romantic interest. Well, maybe she was mad at herself too.

But this was different from last week. This time she ran away to stop Arnold from doing something she didn't want, last week she ran to stop Zack from doing something she wanted. Damn Arnold for ruining everything. She was moving on, realizing he wouldn't ever want her and he had to up and flirt? Did he enjoy messing with her mind and sending her in a tailspin? She sighed rubbing her hands together and jamming them in her jacket pockets to combat the October chill. She knew now, without a shadow of a doubt she could never flirt with Arnold, never see him as anything but a friend. It would be like constantly picking the scab off a wound. It could never heal properly.

Finally reaching her dorm didn't improve her mood at all. Because now she had to find something to wear to the game. Something that would make Zack take notice without it looking like she was trying to impress him. Gah! She hated this; hated trying to anticipate someone else's feelings. Zack was a mystery. Arnold was always so transparent. She probably blew everything out of proportion and he was probably a little lonely after the Casey situation. She could just call Arnold later apologize for being weird and they'd forget it and move on. But Zack? He was uncharted territory and although this was all giving her a headache, she had to admit it was…exciting. Deciding to follow her new mantra to just focus on being herself, she took a shower and went for comfort: a worn in pair of jeans, her black sneakers and a sweater topped off with her black leather jacket. Her hair was in a simple side swept ponytail and her makeup was non-existent. Without the worry she was ready to head to the arena in 30 minutes.

* * *

She sat in the seats and smirked at how excited everyone was. So this is what she missed in high school?

Looking in her row she noticed how many girls were there. How many giggling girls were whispering about Zack; how many girls were holding up ticket stubs from the game gushing about how Zack personally gave the ticket to them. Really? She leaned forward in her chair ready to leave. Of course he gave other girls tickets. She was deluding herself thinking she was special to him. She turned when she heard an older woman mumble something. "I'm sorry ma'am, what did you say?"

The woman looked up at Helga, surprised someone heard her. "I said I can't believe Zack brought all his groupies tickets. That boy's a certified man whore."

Helga laughed at the woman's statement and settled back into her seat. She could sit there like all of Zack's other guests. Besides they were just friends and she was enjoying talking to this lady.

"From the looks of things you seem a little lost."

Helga quirked her brows. "Excuse me?"

"You're not the usual brand of skank I see around here. What's your name honey?"

She smiled and turned to the dark aired woman. "Helga."

"Helga huh? I like it. It's strong. My name's Rita. It's nice to meet you." The woman looked up from her crocheting and offered Helga a warm smile.

"Nice to meet you too, but I don't belong here. I think I should be heading home." Despite the kind lady she was feeling extremely uncomfortable and awkward, so she wanted to do what she had been doing the past few weeks when she was forced out of her comfort zone…run.

Rita grabbed Helga's wrist softly. "No you have to stay. You're the only one around who can string meaningful sentences together and can keep me company against Zack's harem." She pointed at the vapid girls and laid a pleading eye on Helga.

Helga sighed, Rita was good. She must have been a mother because she was a master at the whole mom guilt thing. "I'll stay for the first quarter."

One quarter turned into two as her new friend and her traded recipes and discussed her first semester at college. She even showed Helga some basics about crocheting during halftime which were easy to pick up given her childhood needle-pointing experience learned from Inga. In short, Helga was having a blast.

They focused on the game when they heard the crowd chanting Zach's name. Helga was never one for watching football, believing it was one of those sports that should be played not watched. But her heart was pounding as she watched him catch the ball and run past the 20, the 10, the five and into the end zone. Touchdown! Rita looked over at her and they hugged excitedly. Helga then jumped up from her seat and cheered wildly, ignoring the snide comments from the girls in her row. She must have been obnoxiously loud because Zach saw her, pointed her out and put his hands over his heart before bowing in her direction. Embarrassed she waved a little and sat down quickly, her face tingeing a slight pink.

She spent the rest of the game clapping whenever he blocked or caught the ball. She didn't want to sound biased but she was sure they wouldn't have won without Zack.

Zack ran over and pulled his helmet off, his curls bouncing out of it. He was all sweaty and adorable. Helga's eyes went wide as Rita jumped up and hugged the boy kissing his cheek. "I'm so proud of you." She began wiping the plum lipstick from his cheek.

Helga looked between the two feeling stupid for just noticing the similarities. Same puppy dog eyes, same smile. That would mean…

"You're Zack's sister," she said more to herself than anyone else.

Rita nodded and pointed to her son. "Marry her immediately Mijo," she said beaming at her son and pinching his cheeks.

Zack stepped away and turned his attention to his friend. "Sorry Goldilocks. This is my mom, Rita. Mom, this is my friend Helga."

"Oh _you're_ goldilocks." Her smirk reached Cheshire grin status. She liked seeing her son all flustered; loved seeing him make an effort with this girl. There were ten other girls he invited but he couldn't take his eyes off of Helga. She had a feeling they would be good together and the wheels in her head began to turn. "Hey Helga we have this tradition after his home games where we eat dinner. Would you like to come over and have dinner with us?"

* * *

They got to the house, Rita rolling her eyes at the giggles from the backseat. From her rear view mirror she could see her son poking at Helga who was apparently ticklish because she would squirm and giggle every five seconds. She had never seen her son so carefree.

Rita insisted that they make their selves comfortable, refusing Helga's many offers to help. Helga sat next to him on the couch, his head in her lap after teasing him mercilessly over the many photos, plaques and certificates of him which were adorning every surface of the house.

"Hey goldilocks?" He tilted his head, his voice soft.

"Yeah?" Helga looked down to give him her full attention. Her hands were playing in his hair which was still damp from his shower. She loved his hair.

"Thanks for going to the game. I know it's not your thing, but I'm glad you went anyway. It meant a lot."

She shrugged like it was no big deal, when she could tell it meant a lot to him. "Don't mention it. Besides I had a good time. I think your mom and I are BFFs now."

He lifted his head at her teasing smirk. "Oh please no. She would give you enough information to blackmail me for life."

She laughed at the look on his face. He really was adorable. "That's the point." She moved her hands out of his hair and to her sides. "I hope me being there didn't cause any trouble with your cheerleading section."

Zack furrowed his eyebrows, completely forgetting about the other girls. "Who? Oh them? I forgot all about them. Don't worry about them. Besides, you're my lucky charm." He winked and she tried to pretend it didn't affect her.

Helga was holding her sides during the dinner, she never laughed so much. Watching Zack squirm in his seat as his mom hurled one embarrassing story after another about him was priceless.

"You can't be serious." Helga breathed out between laughs.

"I kid you not. My son came home wearing his cousin's skirt. Luckily Natalie's shirt was long enough to cover her or we would have had a neighborhood scandal."

She looked over at her friend and patted his shoulder sympathetically.

Zack shook his head. "I learned my lesson that night. Also learned I'm a bit of a nudist when I get really drunk."

_I hope to see that_. She shook the thought away immediately. _Down girl, he's your friend._

Mentally chastising herself she offered to clean the dishes and wouldn't take no for an answer. She needed a break for being around him. She could hardly control her hormones. She wanted him, bad.

Helga watched the suds dance around the sink, thankful for the distraction being in the kitchen provided. She liked washing dishes. It helped her feel like she contributed in some way and his mom was so nice, she wanted to do something as a token of appreciation for her kindness. She wasn't used to nice moms. To moms that cared. To moms that knew their children. She always felt so alien looking at Phoebe and her mother. She always had a strong bond with her mom and Mrs. Heyerdahl was so motherly to her. It made Helga jealous when they were younger, but now she understood that having a strained relationship with your parents was just part and parcel of being a Pataki. Her father, his father, and all of her aunts and uncles had difficult relationships with their parents. The only Pataki who had a rosy relationship with their parents was Olga. But once again her older sister was the exception that proved the rule. Her parents didn't bother her anymore.

She didn't seem to be faring any better when it came to romantic relationships either. This Arnold and Zack situation was confusing her to no end. Why couldn't Arnold see he and Helga should be strictly platonic? Why was she afraid for more with Zack? It may be possible the girl was worse off than before. Helga was growing up and trying to leave childish things (like her unhealthy obsession with a football headed boy) in the past. But that's a large part of who she is. She was still that girl that harbored a secret crush for most of her life, but she was also the same girl who could currently only think of pursuing a relationship with Zack. The same girl who couldn't wait to go to another party and make out with him under the guise of being drunk. She was a basket case!

Zack watched her wash the dishes with a goofy grin plastered on his face. He looked down when he felt little flutters in his stomach. What was this girl doing to him? He didn't know how long he could go pretending that she was just his friend. That she didn't mean more. Walking in to the kitchen, he grabbed a plate she just washed and began drying it silently. Nudging his side she looked up at him, giggling at his adorable nose scrunch. He just smirked at her washing dishes and couldn't help thinking about how domestic they looked.


	9. Chapter 9

**_Late October_**

The next few weeks were a blur. Helga made it through midterms unscathed and was actually doing well in her classes. Her counselor told her about an English scholarship that would seriously help take some of the pressure off. She was managing with her full course load and two jobs, but a scholarship would be the difference between managing and thriving.

Just as she predicted, Helga apologized to Arnold and they went back to hanging out whenever she had the time. He didn't try to flirt again and they never brought it up.

Zack was a whole other story. He and Helga got closer, blurring the lines between friendship and more than with touches that lingered and looks that simmered. He liked the special smile she gave him and she noticed he no longer had an entourage. She continued going to the games she could attend and had been a regular fixture at his house for Sunday night dinners.

Helga stood in front of her mirror touching her poufy dress. She laughed as she twirled in the mirror, her glittery tie-died purple and pink petticoat glistened in the light. She winced as she gently touched her crinkly hair as it sat in a high ponytail. She looked at her high frilly dress socks and black pumps and clicked them together. Slipping on her short lace motorcycle gloves completed the outfit. She looked a mess. Hopefully it was enough for her and Zack to win the best Halloween costumes at the party. She had to admit when Rita first came up with the idea of her and Zack dressing as a "tacky 80's prom couple," she thought it was horrible. Now that she saw it, she knew this was going to be a good night, win or lose.

She skipped—_skipped_ to the door when she heard a knock. Opening it widely, she saw Zack leaning on the frame looking just as tacky as she did. His curly hair was straightened and put in a low ponytail. His suit was powder blue with baby pink trim. His shirt was neon and his black cummerbund ruffled along the sides. In short they were going to win the contest. She just had to fix one little thing.

She snickered pointing at the poor excuse for a tie dangling from his neck. "Did you try to tie your tie like you would tie your shoes?"

He pulled the corsage from behind his back placing it on her wrist. He grinned as he saw a blush form on her cheeks. "Don't make fun. It looked good before I got here." She watched him make a second attempt at tying, his tongue comically jutting out in concentration. When he finished it was still lopsided. She smiled at him and shook her head, he really was hopeless with a tie.

Shooing his hands away, she grabbed the two ends and tied them to perfection, letting her hands fall to his chest. She didn't realize how the simple act changed the atmosphere until she felt the flutters in the stomach. The room's energy shifted, it crackled all around her and made her acutely aware of his proximity. Her mind began to enter dangerous territory, she could feel his muscles through his shirt and all she had to do was move her hand a few centimeters to his buttons and his shirt would be gone, giving her the skin-to-skin contact she craved.

He was so close, so tantalizingly close that she couldn't look him in the eye. Instead she focused on the way his Adam's apple bobbled when he swallowed. My, he was delicious. And he smelled so good. She didn't know why he had this effect on her. But she felt something inside of her pulling to him. He was magnetic. She was drawn to him and it scared her. She had only ever been drawn to one boy before, and that had embarrassingly obsessive results. She didn't want to jump into anything with her track record. She could love him too much and he could destroy her. No, he could _break_ her. She was still putting the pieces together after holding on to a one-sided relationship practically her whole life. If this new attraction fizzled it would be the end. She wouldn't try anymore. She couldn't build a bonfire big enough to destroy the pain and memories of dead hope it would cause.

He kept looking in her eyes, willing her to look into his. She was so close and she looked so beautiful. She was killing him. He never felt this way about a girl before, never wanted anyone this much but he was learning her. So far he knew she was strong but she was also fragile and vulnerable. It lingered under the surface and every time he tried to bring it out he succeeded in pushing it further in. He could see the pain that hung in her eyes but bringing attention to it, trying to make it better, only proved to make it worse. He knew if he pushed her, if things became too real she would run away just like she had a few weeks ago in his apartment. He had to be patient, gentle. But how was he supposed to do that when every bone in his body ached for her touch? Pushing away from her he cleared his throat and grabbed her coat.

She was...disappointed. She wanted him to kiss her. She was waiting for it, anticipating it even. As he held her coat out his hand fell to the small of her back drawing her closer. He was trying to give her space, trying to be patient with her, but she was standing there looking like that, looking at him like she wouldn't object, wouldn't lift a finger in protest if he made a move.

She gasped softly. The closeness surprised her. Did he feel it too? Is that why he was clutching her back now? Why her body responded to his touch? Her eyes zeroed in on his lips and she bit hers slightly. All Zakh could think was _fuck it_.

"What are you doing?" She looked into his eyes then seeing them darken. Inexplicably the sight brought her closer.

"I'm going to kiss you now." His voice was husky, gravelly. She didn't know what to say, could barely remember her name, and that warmth that was swirling, pooling below. _Oh_. She clenched her thighs as she focused on breathing. After all the weirdness before, she was surprised he wanted to be with her like that; she was surprised he wanted to be with her at all. "I'll give you to the count of three to push me away, hit me, laugh at me, just tell me you don't want this and we'll pretend this never happened."

He inched closer to her then.

"1."

His lips ghosted hers.

"2."

And before he could finish they were kissing. They didn't know who initiated it (aw who are we kidding? Helga lunged at the boy) but there they were in the doorway of her dorm lips smashed against each other. Her coat long forgotten she placed her hands on his shoulders until they drifted in his hair. He tasted like mints and everything good in this world. He let out a small sigh and deepened the kiss. She tasted so sweet he couldn't get enough of her. He turned her towards the doorframe and pressed his body into hers. He heard her tiny whimper and let out a moan when she tugged his hair harder. He never got lost in a kiss like that, never let someone make him lose control. But Helga was so perfect and beautiful and enticing he couldn't help but let go.

After hearing her moan he pulled back, thoroughly out of breath. Using his thumb he stroked her cheek. She looked up with him then, the fire in her eyes replaced with the wide eyed innocence he loved to see. "What now?"

He drew a deep breath. He didn't want to do anything to make her uncomfortable. He was going to go slow even if it killed him (which it might). He picked up her coat and offered his arm. "Now we are going to go to that party, dance the night away and talk about this in the morning."

Failing to hide her grin she smirked and looked down shyly. "Okay."

They walked arm in arm in contemplative silence. He was thinking about how peaceful he felt with her head on her shoulder, and she was thinking about how happy it made her that he returned her affections.

* * *

Helga was laughing and dancing giddily, still dizzy from the euphoria of kissing Zack. She was so…comfortable, so happy in her own skin. Her smile was blinding and his didn't seem to be going anywhere either. Noticing Arnold in the crowd, she nodded at him slightly, missing his jaw clench and the way the blonde boy's hand tightened around his cup. She looked around briefly and noticed the girls whispering about Zack, about her and Zack together. It dawned on her that she hadn't seen him with his usual group of girls. In fact she hadn't seen his entourage for weeks.

"Zack?" She leaned in yelling closer to his ear.

"Hmm," he responded leaning in to hear her over the music.

"What haven't you been hanging around your usual group?"

He grabbed her arms and held her tighter while she fought to suppress a sigh.

"Helga, the only girl I want to spend time with is the one currently in my arms."

What was this boy doing to her? She smiled then and reached up to lightly kiss his cheek. She wanted him and didn't think she could wait until their talk after the party. She wanted to jump all over him and kiss him senseless right in the middle of the floor. Understanding that following her urges might ruin their agreement, she was grateful that her contact lens fell out and made haste to the closet to grab her coat to get her glasses out of her pocket. She was using it as a perfect opportunity to cool down and recollect herself. Everything had to be handled the right way in the right time with Zack. It meant too much to just haphazardly give into feelings without any thought to their consequences.

It was a miracle that she even made it to the closet seeing as everything was blurry and hazy without her contacts. She fumbled trying to find her coat when she felt someone lightly push her into the closet and close the door, leaving them in the dark space alone. Assuming it was Zack, she called out to them. "Zack?"

"Hmm?"

Relief washed over her at his response. She could barely hear him on account of the blaring music, but she felt the heat coming off of him as he stood closer.

Placing a hand on her shoulder he leaned in and kissed her intensely.

She guessed Zack was having a hard time waiting as well because he was kissing her breathless. Her heart was pounding in her ears as she began to move with him matching his ferocity.

But this was different than their previous kisses. These lips were familiar, but softer than the lips she was craving. THIS. WAS. NOT. ZACK. Gasping slightly she pulled back. "What the hell?"

Before the fuzzy blob could respond she felt the whoosh of air as the closet door opened. "Helga, what are you doing?" Zack's voice was clear and unmistakable then. The hurt that was laced in it was undeniable.

Of course Zack would show up now. At a loss for words she just stood there mouth agape, trying to piece together what happened.

"Let me explain," Arnold responded.

She could finally identify the asshole who stole Zack's kiss. "Arnold?" Her confusion was quickly replaced by anger. She would never think he would lie to her. She felt used and she couldn't believe Arnold would intentionally hurt her. She couldn't believe a lot about Arnold right now.

She wanted to punch Arnold, tell him he ruined everything but the words mired in her brain at the blurry sight of Zack walking away. And just like that she could feel her chances with Zack slipping through her fingers.


	10. Chapter 10

_**Late October Pt. 2**_

Helga looked at Arnold incredulously and shoved him. She needed an explanation but first she needed to find Zack. She didn't want to be near him. She tasted the alcohol on his breath and it made her angrier. Now he was blocking the door and all the composure she was trying to hold onto was threatening to crack.

"Arnold, I need you to move." Her voice was dangerous, threatening even.

Arnold stumbled forward and held onto her shoulder for leverage. His touch made Helga want to cringe. "Oh right, so you can run after your precious _Zack_." He said Zack's name acrimoniously, like Zack's name caused bile to rise in his stomach. "You've made your point Helga." He pulled her in closer.

She shrugged him off and took a large step away, forgetting that they were arguing in a closet. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"I know you're just parading around with that guy to get me to notice you. I noticed okay? I'm jealous! Are you happy? Isn't that what you wanted?"

He had her attention then. And the look in her eyes sobered him up quickly.

"_How dare you_? You think my life revolves around you?"

"It used to!" He blurted out. "You used to be all about me, and I waited for you to be ready. You and me remember? It was always supposed to be you and me. You're mine! You're mine just like I'm yours, you're crazy if you think I'm going to let you go." He didn't understand why she was with Zack, why the boy made her smile. They were supposed to be. She should never have looked twice at Zack.

She pushed him, unable to control her emotions. "I'm not yours!" Her voice was shrill and she could feel a headache coming on from her shouting. She could hear people whispering about the spectacle they were making but she didn't care. This needed to be said. "I never was yours just like you never were mine. I can't believe you!" The boy in front of her was a stranger and she didn't like what she was hearing at all. "If it was supposed to be you and me what about Casey? Was it you and me then? Why is it okay for you and me now? Cause it's convenient for you?"

He shook his head. Everything was coming out wrong. He was supposed to tell her about his feelings in a romantic restaurant with beautiful flowers and beautiful words. He rubbed his forehead gently. "N-No. Helga It's not like that. She was a mistake?"

"A mistake? What about Ruth? Lila? Rachel? Nadine? Wendy? Were they mistakes too?"

He had to admit she had him there. But she was so insecure, so afraid to make a move he wondered if she would rather cling to the ideal of what could be instead of making it happen. "Damn it Helga! What was I supposed to do? Wait around forever for you? Does it even matter that I always came back to you? We're different okay? I can go out with people and have it be meaningless, but you and Zack. I can see it. He's pulling you away from me and you're _letting_ him. Just because he gives you a little attention doesn't mean he likes you!"

She cleared her throat and grabbed him by the collar. If he wasn't mistaken he could see fire behind her eyes. "I know you're drunk but I need you to hear me and hear me well. I'm done with you. We're not friends, we're not anything. I obviously didn't mean that much to you if you couldn't open your damn mouth and tell me how you felt. You obviously didn't mean that much to me if I couldn't get over my fears long enough to trust you with my feelings. I have never been so disgusted and disappointed in anyone as I am right now." She could feel her heart breaking as she watched his jaw clench. Part of her wanted to run into his arms and tell him she wanted him. Old Helga would certainly think she was an idiot for reacting this way. He just told her he had feelings for her but it was wrong somehow. Instead of filling up with joy she overflowed with anger. She felt her love for him was a lie. She felt it was tainted by this poor excuse of an Arnold swaying in front of her. He reached to touch her cheek and she moved his hand away. "I never want to see you again." She snarled as she tried to will the tears from springing in her eyes. The door to Arnold was shut forever, and his declaration had more finality than the bonfire ever did. She felt his body go limp, he had all but given up the fight he had earlier. Letting go of his collar she rushed out of the closet, not sparing him a second glance.

Her words were like a bucket of ice water, dousing him back to reality. He couldn't stand anymore, his body couldn't support how heavy his heart felt and he slid down the closet wall feeling hopeless. He was always so secure in her feelings for him, always sure they would never go away. It made him feel special knowing someone out there loved him, someone held him above all others. Now he couldn't swat away the nagging feeling that he was watching her walk away forever.

Scanning the area, she tried to find Zack and ignore everyone's pitying faces and hushed conversations. After 20 ignored texts and emails and 45 minutes of looking, she grabbed his coat from the closet and left, determined to resolve this tonight.

* * *

The walk to Zack's place was different than before. She had been so warm in his arms a few hours ago, now she was freezing. And her shoes were killing her. A piece of her wanted to go home, to let him sleep on it, but she knew it would be a disaster if she didn't fix this tonight. Damn Arnold. There would be hell to pay if he ruined things between her and Zack. She shivered and hugged herself closer. Walking to Zack she realized how often she compared him to Arnold. She really shouldn't have. Something about him made her want to _try, _something always stopped her from trying with Arnold. The drunk blonde was right about one thing—she felt like she was drifting further away from him, and it felt great. Zack made her feel great and she wasn't going to let him go. Not for Arnold, not for anyone.

She sighed not wanted to give into another missed opportunity, to be consumed in another regret. In her short life she knew that regret was a dangerous thing. It always started with something small like sadness but left unchecked could morph into bitterness. It could change you. Make you think less of yourself. She couldn't—wouldn't go through that again.

She must have gotten there on pure adrenaline because her heart was pounding as she waited for him to open the door. She had no idea what to say to him, but her stomach flutters were back at the prospect of seeing him again. She beamed as she knocked on his door, but the smile dropped when the door swung open.

In his doorway stood a leggy brunette with a long shirt on that stopped mid-thigh. Helga's breath caught in her throat, her previous excitement gone. She didn't know whether to push herself in and fight for him or quit altogether. And she thought her heart couldn't fracture anymore today.

It didn't help that the girl smiled kindly at her. "Are you here to see Zack?"

Helga blinked, not knowing what to say. The girl shifted a little uncomfortably. "Umm…Zack's in the shower. Do you want to wait for him?" She pointed towards the bathroom. Helga shook her head. "That's okay." She turned to walk away until she realized she forgot something. "Actually, could you give this to him," she asked and handed the beautiful stranger his jacket.

She looked between the jacket and then Helga's sullen face. "Hey, are you sure you don't want me to pass on a message?"

Helga bit her lip determined to keep it together. "No. No. that's okay. It doesn't matter now anyway." And without another word she made her way home.

* * *

_**Early November**_

Monday morning sucked especially when she knew she had work this afternoon. Yesterday was good, she channeled all of her anger and sadness into working a double shift and finishing a paper. She may be brokenhearted but damn it she was going to at least be productive. She still didn't know what she would say to Zack when she saw him later.

She was nervous and when she was nervous she wrote. Helga began scribbling intensely in her journal when Casey flopped beside her before their Biology class began. "Hey Helga, how was your weekend?"

Helga smiled at the girl. Did she ever have a bad day? Looking up she responded. "Fine."

The professor came in and Helga was relieved she didn't have to make small talk anymore. She should have known she wouldn't get what she wanted because Casey leaned over and whispered to her. "Do you know what's wrong with Arnold? I saw him yesterday and he looked horrible."

She mumbled something and went back to her journal, thankful her professor began his lecture seconds after Casey asked about Arnold. Why wouldn't he leave her alone? Every time she tried to push him out of her mind he came crawling back in one form or another. How could she move on when all around her were constant reminders?

One good thing happened that day…Casey had somewhere to go after class and was unable to talk to Helga. At least she got some peace before she jumped into her work study job…with Zack.

As predicted Zack walked in a few minutes late and pretended she was invisible which was fine with her. She wasn't ready to deal with him, not yet. And why was he wearing that cologne that made her tingle? And why did he look so good? She burrowed further into her textbook determined to win this little game they had been playing.

Mrs. Pinnelli eyed the miserable student workers as they pretended the other wasn't there. She even watched Zack eye Helga when he thought she wasn't looking. Something must have happened with these two. Last week they were inseparable, annoyingly so, now they were working (and failing) overtime to pretend the other didn't exist.

Sighing she picked up the phone. She had been waiting for the locksmith to call all day and of course he would call her towards the end of her day to let her know he was running late. Dr. Abernathy's office door had been acting strange lately and she was worried about having Helga go in there to water his plants knowing she may get locked in.

Never one to butt into other student's affairs she thought she should make an exception for these two. They were just so cute and she knew they would be darling together. The wheels in her head turned as she thought up a way to force them to talk.

"Helga, can you water Dr. Abernathy's plants now?"

Helga jumped at the chance to get out of that office and away from Zack. She watered Dr. A's plants and lingered in his office for a while trying to prolong going back to her desk. Realizing she had been gone for 10 minutes she went to leave when she realized she was locked in. _Shit_. Today just wasn't her day.

Mrs. Pinnelli waited 15 minutes after Helga left before asking Zack to check in on her. She knew the stubborn girl would need some time to herself before she sent Zack after her. She hoped this would get the duo talking again or at least comfortable with being in the same area.

Zack could think of a million things he would rather be doing right now—having a root canal, swallowing swords, stepping on hot coals. Anything would be better than having to talk to Helga. He had been a coward, he knew. He left her there at the party, just left her there with Arnold. He didn't want to hear her explanations. He especially didn't want to hear about how she chose Arnold. She already took his pride. She wasn't going to take his dignity too.

He heard the doorknob jiggle and he knocked first before opening the door. He found Helga slumped over the floor. "No don't!" He heard her first words since Saturday as she jumped up and tried to stop the door from closing. It was too late, the door was heavy and just like before it locked her inside…this time with Zack.

She sighed heavily and placed her forehead on the door. "We're locked in," she said quietly finally turning around to look Zack in the eye.

After a few minutes of banging on the door, both stupidly leaving their cell phones in the main office they stood on opposite sides of the room. Zack was staring out the large window while Helga thumbed through the many books on Dr. A's shelf.

Helga broke the silence between them asking Zack, "Do you think Mrs. Pinelli will try to find us soon."

He scoffed. "I hope so. It's suffocating in here." He cut his eye at her and could see hurt flash in her eyes before she turned away from him.

"It's no picnic for me either!" She didn't mean to shout but he was being a jackass and as far as she was concerned, she had every right to be angry.

He rolled his eyes. "We'll be out of here soon enough goldilocks. I'd hate for you to miss a moment of sticking your tongue down Arnold's throat!"

She walked over to him now shouting in his face. "Yeah, and I'd hate for you to lose precious time with your _whore_!"

Zack looked at her confused. "What are you talking about?"

"That girl who answered your door. I came looking for you after you left the party. I didn't know you would be _entertaining_." She rolled her eyes letting him see her disgust.

He started laughing heartily then. The sound both irritated and confused Helga. "What's so funny?"

"That was my cousin Natalie. Remember her? My mom talked about her visiting when you came over for dinner."

Her face turned beet red and she covered it with her hands, fully embarrassed. She had it all wrong. And she just called his baby cousin a whore. She just couldn't win for losing today. "I'm so sorry Zack. I'm an idiot."

He looked at her then, unable to hide how her words hurt him. "Didn't you believe me when I told you that you were the only girl I had been chasing?"

They quieted again, both realizing wrong they were. She sat on the floor next to the door. "I didn't kiss him Zack, at least not on purpose. I thought he was you. It was blurry, I couldn't really see."

Sitting in front of her he grabbed her shoulders loosely, so that she could break his hold if she wanted. He needed her to know his next few words were serious and he needed her to see what she meant to him. He couldn't lose her now.

"It's pretty obvious to me that I've confused you in the past so I want you to clearly understand me, understand what I want from you."

She nodded, barely breathing as she waited for him to continue.

He drew a deep breath and placed his hand over her rapidly beating heart. He'd never done this before but he'd never met anyone who made him want to try. That made it okay to say how he felt without scrutiny or censure. "I want you to come with me to Sunday night dinner, I want to dance with you wherever we are, even if there's no music. I want to hold your hand, I want to make you breakfast before work. I want to fake annoyance but be secretly amazed when you beat me while we play video games. I want us to have inside jokes and I want to be the one to make you laugh, because Helga, your laugh makes my heart beat faster. I want to hold you and tell you everything's going to be okay when you're hurt, or sad. I want you Helga Pataki—all of you for as long as you let me have it."

She closed her eyes and swallowed down the thick layer of emotion that crept to the surface. His words were cathartic, healing and were mending. They did away with so many insecurities she held onto. Those insecurities were her shield—they had always protected her from getting hurt. He was willing to care for her, willing to put up with her…maybe even willing to _love_ her. It was all too beautiful and too undeserved. She wanted all of those things too, and for the first time in her life she wanted them with someone other than Arnold. In fact, Zack was the only person she could think of having them with.

She looked up at him with those bright innocent eyes he loved so much. She breathed in his scent, took comfort in his proximity. Then she reached up and kissed his jawbone, his eyes automatically closing. Next she kissed his left eye, his right eye, his nose and cheeks. Finally she leaned in and kissed his lips softly. Overcome with emotion she rested her head on his collarbone still playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. "I want that too." They didn't even bother to notice that the door was wide open now.


	11. Chapter 11

_***Jumps out of hiding* Hi lovelies! Remember me? I know it's been a while and I really have no excuse but I promise to try and update sooner. I love you all for sticking in there with me, especially you amazing reviewers and anyone who PM'd me. It's really the only reason I finished this chapter.**_

_**Enough of my chattering…here's the next chapter.**_

* * *

_**Early November Pt. II**_

Helga let out a frustrated growl as she stared at her reflection in the mirror. Wasting no time, she lifted the dress and flung it across the room. It just wasn't her. But what does one wear on a first date? Rolling her eyes she stalked towards the closet for another choice.

After twenty minutes she tossed some options in a pile on her bed. She realized having a first date at 18 had some elements of pathetic, but Helga never did anything on time. She was either beyond her years in some aspects or a painfully late bloomer in others. Being both mature and naive had its advantages—she was both incredibly cautious and acutely innocent. She was jaded but hopeful and she had Zack to thank for her new hopeful outlook. She never admitted it to herself, but she never told Arnold (aside from that unfortunate incident when they saved the neighborhood) how she felt about him because she was sure he would never feel the same way. She internalized the rejection she was sure he would give her and it made her angrier. Unfortunately her anger was targeted towards him. She'd be meaner to him, tossing more spitballs his way, pulling more pranks that would embarrass him and he'd go on shaking it off with another girl by his side. In the end it left her with a broken and conflicted heart and she knew she had to get away from all the attention she gave him for her own sanity's sake.

She hated that she devoted so much time to Arnold. She'd begun to realize that she clung to her fantasy of them together because he was familiar. He was a constant in her unstable life. He was always good, always kind, even when he was unknowingly breaking her heart. She tested him time and time again and he always proved to be himself. This is why she was so furious when he kissed her. Arnold wasn't himself, he never was. He was always pretending. Or maybe he was projecting the image of what she wanted him to be. She couldn't tell but she was grateful for the moment. Instead of confusing her, the kiss made everything crystal clear. Arnold's admission of reciprocated feelings gave her all the fuel she needed to get closure and move on with Zack.

Still, none of this new-found clarity helped with her current predicament. How was she supposed to act around Zack now? Was she supposed to turn into one of those giggly vapid girly girls she'd seen hanging on his arm? Was she supposed to get all mushy and sentimental? Her inexperience sucked. She wished she had dated a little bit in high school so she didn't feel so out of place now. Lying on her bed she let out a huff of frustrated air as she turned to her mound of clothes. Sifting through her pile of jeans, she slipped on her black skinny ones and thumbed through her limited shoe collection to find her black ankle boots. The well broken in shoes were her favorite and wouldn't embarrass her as she walked to Zack's apartment. She was, after all, about being comfortable above all else.

She sprayed her perfume and thought back to Zack's words last week. The butterflies that fluttered in her stomach got impossibly bigger when Zack asked her on a date. What was he doing to her? She wanted his plump lips on hers all the time. She wanted him to slip his tongue into her mouth and do that little tongue flick move that made her moan. Helga shook her head and blushed, her mind drifting back to that day when they were locked in Dr. Abernathy's office and Mrs. Pinnelli's satisfied smirk when she found the two. Still she was shocked when he actually asked her on a date. Even after she acted like an ass and regressed to old Helga.

The last few days when her and Zack hung out, the kiss wasn't mentioned. At first Helga was relieved, happy that she could just pretend that nothing happened and blame it on the heat of the moment, which seemed to be her M.O. in highly emotional situations. She hated being vulnerable. But that was old Helga. She realized she wanted nothing _more _than to talk about what happened and got annoyed with Zack's blasé attitude. When she confronted him a few days ago that annoyance turned into anger and old Helga resurfaced, complete with a scowl and clenched fists. Then she felt three inches small when he explained that he was following her lead, and was worried about going too fast too soon. He wanted her to know this wasn't some passing thing. That she mattered to him. After feeling lower than low after his confession and mumbling her apologies, she was shocked when he asked if she wanted to have dinner with him.

She knew he suggested dinner at his place as a way to make her comfortable, but in reality it made her nervous as hell. The venue made it more intimate (in all meanings of the word) than a simple crowded restaurant and she wondered why he was willing to have the date in his apartment. The thought made her do stupid things, like spending an hour rifling through clothes to find something to wear. After finding perfect outfits for a wedding, a funeral, a party and a bank robbery she settled on her look—her ankle boots and black skinny jeans paired with a purple sleeveless silk top. She topped it off with the tan blazer she usually wore for interviews and cuffed it at the elbow to make it look less formal. Since she didn't have time to do anything else, she let her hair down from its bun, relieved that her cascade of waves that framed her face and fell to her mid back looked semi-intentional. Jewelry was non-existent—the only constant piece she ever wore was her locket which she chucked in the fire a few months ago. It still felt weird not to have the golden bauble around her neck but the last few months she wore it, she couldn't help but feel weighted by it. Perhaps it had legitimately gotten heavier over the years. Or perhaps, and Helga suspected this to be closer to the truth, the problem was psychosomatic. She opted for minimal makeup because 1. She never wore it anyway, makeup made her feel like she was wearing a mask, and 2. She didn't really have any (well that stupid kit Olga bought her when she graduated 8th grade didn't count since she was sure 99% of those items were expired). So with a swipe of pink lip gloss that she slid into her back pocket and some mascara she grabbed her phone, student ID card, keys, and cash, making her way to Zack's apartment.

She was giddy with nervous excitement as she walked to his apartment. Drawing a deep breath to still her nerved, she told herself to be cool. Zack would laugh at how spastic she was acting right now.

But across town Zack wasn't faring any better. His palms were sweaty and he'd spent hours researching recipes he could make that would impress Helga. After two burned entrees and a damaged pan, he managed to make a simple dinner of spaghetti and meatballs with his mother's coaching. After checking the time he cleaned quickly (well hid things in the closet and shoved the rest under his bed) and sprayed his entire apartment so it didn't smell like sweat and corn chips. Then he stepped in the shower and got dressed. He wanted to seem like he wasn't trying too hard (which, let's face it he was) so he quickly tousled a towel through his hair and threw on some clean dark rinse jeans, electing to wear a powder blue button down shirt that he chose to cuff so he didn't look too formal.

After one last spot check and whole apartment spray down, he grabbed the bread from the oven and shook his head at his actions. His chuckle was low and deep. He had to snap out of it. He was out of his element here and it was all because of Helga Pataki. This girl had his stomach in knots since the first day he saw her and he had to admit, he loved it. Everything was always easy for him but she made him try, made him work harder because it mattered. _She_ mattered. When they'd first met, she had this impenetrable wall he could never break through, but when she started revealing her history he understood why and he vowed to never let those walls build up again.

The tentative knock at the door made him smile—he could tell she was just as nervous as him. Forgetting about his jitters he walked over to the door and swung it open.

She was greeted by a low whistle and his wandering gaze made her blush and sheepishly avert his gaze. Helga smiled when she felt him lift her chin so their eyes could meet. "Don't. Helga, you are beautiful. Please don't deny me the honor of seeing you smile."

Helga beamed then. How was this guy real? "Thanks," she whispered more as a passing thought than an actual expression of gratitude. She wasn't used to hearing things like that. The only person who'd ever called her beautiful was…well not worth mentioning now. And now those butterflies that were fluttering in her stomach were turning into moths—you know those really big ones from the Galapagos' Islands or something (she thought Nadine would be able to name a species). They were bumbling around her stomach, clanging around her ribcage and making her throat dry. But her heart was melting at the sight of him. She looked up and kissed his cheek. "You look good."

"You look _amazing_," he countered as he grabbed her hand and closed his door, leading her deeper into his apartment.

They laughed as they sat at the table sipping red wine (hers of the grape juice variety) and Zack recounted how she 'threatened' him into a date. "I thought you were going to punch me and I gotta tell you goldilocks, I was more afraid of your hits than I am about a 300-lb defensive end's tackle."

She shook her head and kissed her fist looking at him innocently. "Nah. I'm harmless."

He looked at the laughter in her eyes, watching how they twinkled with mischief. "Yeah. Harmless as cyanide."

She let out a full body laugh, one that brought tears to her eyes and made her stomach cramp. One that made Zack exhale sharply. She was so beautiful. "These babies have helped me out a lot over the years." She brought her fists to her face and made quick jabbing motions.

Twirling his pasta he smirked when he heard her hum while she took a bite. She told him it was good and his chest swelled with pride. Why was he nervous again? "I just can't see you as a bully. A smart ass, yes. A tortured artist, definitely. But a bully…"

He was right—that role was never really her and the more she defaulted to it, the faker she felt. "Yeah, well I was pretty bad at it." She snorted thinking about how one story from Olga dispelled her tough interior that unfortunate week in 4th grade when her sister was her student teacher. "But people were afraid of me." She got a wistful look on her face and smiled sadly. All that hiding who she was, twisting herself into someone she didn't recognize and for what? For someone who would never make her his first choice?

Sensing the mood change he took one of her hands which was still balled up and kissed it. She bit back a sigh. He rubbed her knuckles and spoke reverently. "I don't doubt it."

This was a little too heavy for the first date. Hell this was a little too heavy for _any_ date. Taking a piece of bread from the middle of the table, (really Zack? Garlic bread on a first date?) she dipped it in her sauce and moaned a little as she sat back in her chair. Zack struggled to keep his mind out of the gutter as her lips surrounded the bread and wrapped around her fingers. She was so sexy.

"I have a favor to ask of you."

Her ears perked up and she dropped her fork. Of course he wanted something. This was all too good to be true.

He could feel her walls rebuilding and scrambled to explain himself. "Wait. Before you shut it down hear me out. My mother is in love with you. She's been talking about how amazing you are for weeks and she's killing me." Rubbing his hands on his jeans he continued. "I was wondering if you wanted to come to Sunday night dinner with me…as my date."

Overcome with emotion (when did she turn into such a sap?) she nodded as relief washed over her. "Sure, I'd love to. I miss your mom."

"And me?"

"You? You're okay I guess." She shrugged and giggled at his pout. "More than okay."

After their dinner where she insisted on clearing the table and cleaning the plates, they sat in front of the TV, slipping off their shoes, and played video games. She couldn't tell who was happier at her constant victories.

She whined when she realized it was 1AM and she had to get up early for her double shift. He offered to walk her home not taking no for an answer and they held hands all the way to the dorm. The cool November breeze couldn't combat the warmth that spread through her. They stood in front of her dorm for a while both hesitating, both not wanting the night to end. "Thanks for tonight. I had a good time Goldilocks." He played with a blonde tendril, letting it slip between his fingers. She smiled at him as her eyes zeroed-in on his mouth. "Me too." Their bodies gravitated towards each other and they kissed. Tongues twisted, hands went to hair and moans escaped. They broke apart when air became a necessity and cheers alerted them to others bearing witness to their display. They said their goodbyes with one final peck and she stood until she could no longer see him before turning around and heading up to her room.

Helga meandered to her room giddy and excited. This had been one of the best nights of her life. Nothing could ruin her euphoria.

Nothing that is but the sight of a red-eyed and miserable looking football headed boy sitting at her door.

"Arnold?"


	12. Chapter 12

_**Mid November Pt I**_

"Arnold?" She said his name again, her anger replaced with concern. The sight of his distraught face dissolved some of her anger.

He lifted his head when she called him and stood up. This past week had seemed to be a never-ending nightmare that began with him slumped in a stranger's closet and ended with him slumped beside Helga's doorjamb.

Helga considered herself a connoisseur of Arnold's emotions. Everyone knew that he rubbed the back of his neck when he was nervous, and blushed when he was embarrassed, but she knew he fiddled with his watch when he was anxious and when clenched his jaw (which was a rare occurrence) he was angry. He built airplanes when he had a big problem and spaced out when he was trying to avoid making a big decision. But most of all, when he was truly sad he shut everyone else out. The fact that he sought her out when he was obviously distraught worried her to no end.

Her voice was softer, less icy, when she addressed him now. "Arnold, what happened?"

Arnold had been in a trance since he got the news. Somehow he had made it to her dorm. The fight from Saturday, the tears, seemed so pointless now. All he knew was he needed Helga, needed to get to her. Hearing her voice made him stand up and move towards her. A knot tightened in his chest at the sight of her. God she was so beautiful. "It's my dad. He's in the hospital. They say he may not make it."

Helga gasped and moved to comfort him. Sure Phil Shortman was old, but she always thought he'd outlive everyone. Arnold finding out the people who he considered his grandparents were actually his parents came as a shock to them all. But the summer Arnold won a contest that would take his class into the jungle forced their lie to the surface. Arnold naturally had ambitions to find his parents during the trip (which was his sole purpose of entering) but when his 'grandparents' forbade him to go they sat him down and told him the truth. The whole truth. It seems their eldest son Miles spent time helping villagers in a remote South American Jungle. There he met Stella who he fell deeply in love with and married shortly thereafter.

When she returned with Miles' remains a few months later the family was so grief stricken, that Stella had to be admitted to Hillwood Memorial Hospital for emotional distress. Soon Stella was released and came to the Shortmans with an interesting proposition. It seems her only regret in life was not having Miles' child. She wanted, _needed_ to have a Shortman. Unfortunately the Shortman line was overwrought with females. Resolved to keep Miles' memory alive, she went to both Phil and Gertie asking for help. With some intense thought and deep conversations with his wife, Phil agreed to donate to the cause. Soon Stella was pregnant and carrying hers and Phil's child with Gertie's blessing. In retrospect Phil and Gertie could acknowledge the decision to donate was a wrong run, but their reasoning skills were fettered by their desire to keep their son's memory alive. They thought if a baby was produced out of losing their son, it would all have meaning somehow.

And it worked, if only for a little while. The unorthodox family fawned over the little baby—a miracle boy they named Arnold Miles Shortman. The Shortmans transferred their grief of losing Miles to their joy of having Arnold. But soon after Arnold was born Stella, who had never adjusted to life outside of the jungle, got restless and packed her bags, never to return. A few years passed and although Gertie and Phil spent thousands of dollars on private investigators, it appeared that Stella vanished from the face of the earth. Out of the blue, on Arnold's first day of preschool, she'd shown up on their doorstep several months pregnant, sporting a large ring. She told them she had to move on for her sanity and that it was wrong to ask them to help her have a child. A child that she realized would never be Miles and would never replace the pain of missing him. So she signed away her rights and wrote a letter to Arnold, one she asked that they give him when he was old enough to understand. Her last parting gift was a doctored journal she swiped from Miles' belongings after he died. She suggested they tell her son a fabricated tale about his parents so the way he came to be wouldn't embarrass or shame him. Once they read the changes she entered, Phil and Gertie knew they couldn't tell Arnold the truth. Hell, they could hardly accept the truth. The older couple was always the topic du jour in the small town and was the constant subject of whispered conversations and false niceties. They knew Arnold wouldn't accept them as his parents and they didn't want him to have to explain how his grandfather was also his father so they used the journal to create his parentage. They began reading the journal to him when he was old enough to ask about his parents, thus beginning the yearly tradition of reading Arnold the journal on the anniversary of Miles' death.

Gertie and Phil truly planned on telling him everything once he was old enough to understand but that contest win forced their hand. At first Arnold didn't believe them and then he hated them. That was the worst. When he was all cried out and too numb to be angry anymore he realized that despite what he thought, he had parents his whole life. Parents that were always there for him, and despite the lie, only wanted the best for him.

It had been a rocky road to reconciliation for the parents and son, one that took countless family therapy sessions and hours of pillow talk with Helga and Gerald. Since they were the only parents he'd known Arnold stop calling Phil 'grandpa' and started calling him 'dad'. Gertie, in a lucid moment, cried when he called her 'mom' for the first time.

Walking over to his trembling figure, Helga wrapped him in her arms, hoping it was some source of comfort. "Oh Arnold, I'm so sorry." She wished she could do more. She closed her eyes as he clung to her, a tear escaping when she felt his body tremble. Taking purchase in the crook of her neck he cried, never letting her go. She moved them slowly into the room where she held him a few minutes and let him fall apart in her arms.

After 20 minutes he stilled in her arms and looked up at her with red, glossy eyes. "What am I going to do?"

She held him closer, as if tightening her grip would keep him from falling apart. It hurt to see him like this. Not just emotionally, but physically. She felt a tightness in her chest and her heart was heavy as he fisted the material on the back of her shirt in an effort to bring her closer. It was hard for her not to break down, but she had to be strong for him. He looked so lost and she didn't have an answer for him. She couldn't solve this. She'd secretly loved that the boy who would give everyone advice only sought out a select few to receive it. First on that list was his father followed (surprisingly) by Helga. To the casual observer it made no sense. Why would anyone constantly go to someone who teased and mocked them religiously? But to someone who really knew Arnold and Helga it made perfect sense. They were both so similar. Both had issues with their families that helped shape who they were, Arnold's admittedly for the better. Both were sensitive and insightful, though Helga would never admit to that.

But both were broody, surprisingly so. They lived in their heads. They slowly digested information mulling it over before making a move and as a result, when something especially close to their hearts came up both Arnold and Helga lent themselves to inactivity. They did nothing, swept awkward situations under the rug, and blamed intense emotions on the heat of the moment.

So she knew that when he came to her like this, he was hurting. And she knew that despite how angry she was with him, she couldn't turn him away. As they stayed in each other's embrace an idea struck her. Releasing him slowly she told him to take a shower.

"I'll be back in thirty minutes. We're going home."

He shook his head but she gave him a stern look, making him swallow his protestations. "Arnold, pack a bag and I'll meet you in thirty."

"What about school? Work? You can't just leave. We have a couple of weeks before finals."

"I don't care about finals okay. I care about taking you to Hillwood so you can see your father. Nothing else matters." She stood up to head for the door but he pulled on her sleeve which made her turn around.

"I can't see him like that. He's always been so strong. I-I just can't see him defeated."

She crouched down and held his hands. "I know you can do this because you're strong. Just like I know if you don't see him you'll be guilty. Besides I'm just going to drag you in my car and sing for the whole trip if you say no anyway." Arnold winced. He loved Helga enough to admit that she had a horrible voice.

Soon he relented (well he didn't really protest too much anyway). "Helga? Thanks for doing this. I know I don't deserve your friendship after everything that happened, but I'm glad I'm here with you." He leaned in and pressed his forehead to hers. It was supposed to be a friendly gesture but after looking in her eyes, he realized it was more intimate than he intended it to be. If he moved just a couple of inches he would taste those lips that had been taunting him since last week, well really since forever.

She nodded before standing up again to take her leave. He was too close and this could easily spiral out of control. "Don't mention it. Seriously. I don't want to talk about last week. We're friends. This is what friends do." Pulling the door open she waved before walking home.

An awful feeling lurched in the pit of her stomach. She would be in a car, with Arnold, for a 40 hour drive. Admittedly Helga had done a lot of impulsive things in her life: Messing with Olga's car, calling Nadine to get a restaurant shut down, blackmailing Wolfgang so he wouldn't bully Arnold, but this may be one of the worst. What did she just decide to do?

As promised, thirty minutes later Helga watched Arnold walk to her sedan and threw his duffel bag in the back sliding into the passenger's side.

Taking a deep breath she smiled over to him nervously. "You ready?"

Pulling out an energy drink, he handed her over one before chugging one of his own. "Ready."

She raised her brow when he handed her the over-caffeinated beverage. "They were your drink of choice during midterms." He shrugged like it was no big idea that he knew that. But to her it was a big deal. A _colossal_ deal. She was so used to being ignored that any sign of thoughtfulness made her melt a little.

"Thanks," she responded, softer than she meant to.

He smirked. "No problem." Reaching in his bag he pulled out her favorite snacks, tossing one on top of the cup holders. "I figured I could bring food since you offered to drive."

"Oh I'm not driving the whole way."

"Good. I figured we'd drive for five hours and switch off. That way no one's driving for too long."

"Good idea. Whoever's driving has control of the music. Unless you choose a horrible song. Then all bets are off Shortman.

He rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say Helga."

Waiting for him to click his seatbelt, she drove off heading to the other side of the country.

A few hours later and they were actually relaxed. Helga found herself relaxing in the calm atmosphere. And if she really thought about it she was actually _enjoying_ herself. They reminisced about Mrs. Slovak's class and all the misadventures they got into. They laughed about those old legends Gerald told and their high stung drama teacher in high school. They talked about being away from home. She could hear the guilt at leaving his parents laced in his voice.

He turned the music up to concentrate on lighter things, laughing as Helga groaned.

"Turn this shit off. It's the worst song ever."

He smirked. Not only had he heard her humming this song before, he heard her singing this on her way to class a few weeks ago. He learned long ago to focus on the things Helga didn't say. "Yeah, it really is." Keeping the song on, he began singling softly until he heard Helga joining in. Soon they were both yelling at the top of their lungs and teasing each other about how they knew all the words.

Leaning back she giggled focusing on the road while Arnold lowered the volume.

Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.

Peering over at him in the side view mirror she smiled sadly. She could tell he was feeling guilty about leaving. His mood definitely changed after they talked about being so far away from home. "You know they wouldn't have wanted you to stay for them right? You know Phil would have pushed you out if you tried to sacrifice anything for them."

He drew a deep breath. How did she do that? She'd always been so insightful. "Yeah."

"Phil's strong, you know."

Arnold nodded as he kept his gaze out the window but looked down when he felt her smaller hand wrap around his. Her hand, which seemed to always find his when he needed comfort, was warm and soft. Inviting. Despite the anxiety, guilt and nervousness he felt about his father's condition he couldn't help the small smile that graced his features. And she hadn't pulled away, just mindlessly rubbed circles into his palm. He couldn't help but hold out hope that this trip would bring them closer.

"Helga?"

"Yeah?"

"I miss you. _So much_. And I'm so sorry."

His words brought her back to her senses. She was getting too close. Giving him too much of herself. It was easy for her to do that. Easy to put her heart back on the chopping block. But she wouldn't let him have her. Not this time. Retracting her hand from his she ignored the way her palm tingled as it left his warmth or how she watched him slump over in her peripheral vision. "We'll fill up at the next rest stop and then you can take over."

"Right." His voice, which she also tried to ignore, was filled with sadness.

Two switches, 5 bathroom breaks, 6 bottles of discarded energy drinks and 3 gas refills later found the two faintly listening to the radio while actively avoiding making eye contact. It had been quiet for 12 hours. Arnold was afraid to say something that would make her more uncomfortable. Helga was afraid to say anything without it coming out sounding bitter and vengeful. The air in her sedan was tense with all the things left unsaid. There was some invisible line he had crossed when he said he missed her, but to be fair there was never any real boundaries when it came to him. It was easy to care for him, effortless to focus all her attention on him. To her, it was as natural as breathing. Even when she tried to push him away she still (secretly) looked after him. Needing a break from this now claustrophobic car, and feeling her eyelids get heavier, she pulled into a motel which was a mile away from the highway.

Waking to the motel she looked at Arnold for the first time in hours. This place looked just like those motels in horror movies. It was small, dirty, and had flies buzzing and lights flickering around it. "You know I'm fine with sleeping in the car." Arnold shook his head looking for a bright side. "It's not so bad." He trailed off once he saw her scowl. "Maybe the rooms are better," he supplied which earned him a snort from Helga.

The man at the front of the reception desk was textbook horror movie as well. His greasy dark hair had an unmistakable comb over and his once white shirt was yellowing and filled with grease stains.

"Ah newlyweds," he announced then gave the typical smoker's cough. Helga couldn't help that her arm tightened around Arnold.

Picking up on her nervousness, Arnold spoke up. "Hi. We need two rooms please."

"Or maybe teenage runaways?" He looked between the two, his eyes were lingering a little too long on Helga's frame for Arnold's liking.

Arnold tried to be polite but his response came out as more of a growl. "Look do you have two rooms or not?"

Not one for intimidation, the greasy man matched Arnold glare for glare. "Look kid I got one room, one bed. Take it or leave it." He grinned, displaying the five teeth remaining in his sooty mouth. "Since I'm feeling generous, I'll make sure it's a king bed. And I'll throw in a room with curtains for privacy." Then he looked over at Helga and smirked. "Or you can leave them open if you want sweet cheeks."

Wrangling the conversation back to business before he did something he'd regret, Arnold asked, "how much?" Before Helga could grab for her wallet he plunked his money down and swiped the keys.

Before she could protest he spoke. "It's the least I could do."

They were surprised when they got to the room. First of all it was actually clean with no questionable smells or (visible) questionable stains. Then they noticed how well lit it was. The exhaustion hit them as soon as they closed the door and now that the caffeine was waning from their bodies, they were paying the price for driving straight through the night. Both lay on the bed for a minute sighing. "Arnold I know we're in the middle of nowhere right now and that pervert is going to come in in the middle of the night and hack us up."

Arnold laughed at her dramatics.

"But this is the most comfortable bed ever."

He smiled, too tired to open his eyes. "I know. I can't even move right now."

Her younger self would have died at the opportunity to lay in a bed with Arnold. Looking back she was embarrassed by all the things she did to get his attention. It was easy to see where her love crossed the line into obsession. It was easy because she had Zack now. She ran a hand through her hair as she looked at the landscape through the window. Shit, Zack. The boy who had been nothing but kind to her. The boy who made her believe that just being Helga was okay. The boy who she promised herself she would give a chance.

Whining, she got up to charge her phone. Seeing that she had several missed calls and unanswered texts, she stepped outside to call Zack. Helga was relieved he was so understanding. She told him about Arnold's father and that they were currently headed back to Hillwood so Arnold could see him. She could tell he was worried but he still was so sweet, telling her he'd keep the Shortmans in his prayers. When she apologized for having to miss Sunday dinner he waved it off, letting her know there would be plenty more. He told her he'd let Mrs. Pinnelli know what was going on in the morning and wished her safe travels. After she promised to be back for his big game on Friday (although to be honest they all seemed like big games) they hung up but not before she said she would call him after they got to Hillwood. Feeling a little lighter after talking to Zack, she headed back inside.

When Helga came back she resumed her place on the bed. Arnold frowned when he watched Helga wince as she took her shoes off. "Are you alright?

Curling her toes she smiled at him. "I will be."

He got off the bed and sat in front of her pulling her feet into his lap.

The action made her sit up on her elbows. "What are you doing?"

"It's Sunday which means you worked Friday night and probably had a double shift at the diner yesterday."

She pulled back when she felt his hands wrap around her foot. "You don't have to do that."

He gently put her foot back on his leg and began massaging it, smiling as he felt her relax. "I know I don't _have_ to do this but I _want_ to. You take care of everyone Helga. Let me do this little thing for you."

She relented, giving in to the way his strong hands felt. God, this felt so good. Biting back a moan she asked, "where did you learn to do this?"

He ignored her question asking one of his own. "Do you like it?"

This time he got a particularly sore spot as he gently pressed his thumbs into the soles of her feet and she couldn't hide the moan as she answered him. "_Yes_." As soon as it happened she stilled and closed her eyes. Why did that never work in making her invisible? She shot up and moved her foot from his hands.

She had to get away from Arnold, needed to create distance. Grabbing her bag she walked to the bathroom. "I'm going to take a shower." Arnold nodded seemingly unfazed by the torrent of emotions running through her as he continued flicking through the channels.

When she came back, walls firmly built, he regarded her silently. She looked nervous to be around him and he knew it was all his fault.

"I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable."

She put lotion on her legs, all the while keeping her back to him. "You didn't. Let's just drop it."

Sighing he got up and headed to the bathroom to shower. As he thought about how his touch affected her, he made sure the water was nice and cold. She had no idea how much she affected him. One word could make his day, one kiss could break his heart. But he wouldn't push her. She knew how he felt, and he was lucky she was still talking to him. When he came back he saw that her back was turned to him and she looked like she was sleeping. Grabbing the blanket he kissed her shoulder and whispered in her ear. "Sweet dreams, my Angel. I love you."

She wished she were asleep. Because then she wouldn't have heard him say it. Now she was wide awake and had no hope of falling asleep. As she lay in the hotel room, her back facing the wall she watched the high beams from passing cars created shadows in the room, mulling over Arnold's words. She was so confused, so touched by his actions that she could revert back to making her life about him easily.

Maybe it had been wrong to seek out Zack's comfort. Maybe she should have stayed away from men with her broken heart intact. She faced the fact that her heart wasn't healed and probably wasn't meant to heal. Maybe hearts never heal once they're broken, maybe we fill them with other things and distract our minds from the memories and emotions to ease the ache. Maybe we're all just pretending, tricking ourselves into moving on. And maybe we let those closest to us share in the delusion. Because if we focus on that pain, if we harness any energy on how it devastates us, if we focus on how life shattering it is, we'll never survive. Maybe pretending to let it go is the best way we survive.

But Helga never let any of that go. In one way or another she held on to the pain, morphing it into anger, fear, embarrassment, and self-doubt and as a result, her heart had been breaking since she was three. Because when she became someone else she not only lost him but she lost herself.

And she'd been losing herself ever since. Every time she denied her feelings, every time she was unnecessarily cruel. Every thinly veiled threat was a wasted act to the point where no one even believed them anymore. She was beginning to think her whole existence wrapped around Arnold and she would never have an identity outside of him.

But a big part of her wouldn't let her quit. Yes she was hurt, yes she was wounded but she was _alive_. She had hope that wasn't around before. She knew she could heal. She knew she could get better, get over him. She knew and she was grateful for it. Maybe love didn't have to equal despair. Maybe with Zack it could equal hope.

As she closed her eyes she thought back to her picture perfect date with the boy who made her forget Arnold and how excited she was to see him again.


End file.
